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Why do Italians love soccer?
Because half way through, they get to switch sides.
A blonde cop is patrolling the highway when she sees a blonde motorist weaving in and out of traffic.
The cop pulls over the motorist and asks for her ID. Note that the motorist was wearing a pink ensemble and that the cop was in uniform when the incident happened. Cop: May I see your ID, ma'am? Motorist: What's an ID? Cop: It's a rectangle with a picture of your face on it. The motorist digs around her purse and pulls out a mirror. The cop takes it, thoroughly examines it, and hands it back to the motorist, saying: "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop!"
I havent spoken to my wife for eighteen months
I donβt like to interrupt her.
A blind man went to a restaurant.
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said
'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.' 'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.' Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before. Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now. Bartender: Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand? Pirate: We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really… Bartender: What about that eye patch? Pirate: Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye. Bartender: You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit? Pirate: It was my first day with the hook.
Whatβs Ironman without his suit?
Stark Naked
I just created a new word,
Plagiarism.
Doctor: Sir, youβve got a rare disease.
Guy: How rare? Doc: Really rare. Guy: Whatβs it called? Doc: You choose.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
I was given MDMA and LSD tonight…
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner
That was my wholemeal.
*slaps knee*
https://ift.tt/2OxfOLC
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
To see a chicken strip.
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punch line becomes apparent. My kids hate this one and I can't stop laughing at it…
Why did the tomato quit his job?
Because they weren't paying him a good enough monthly celery.
Doctor, Doctor! I’m terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed….
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed …. Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 p.m. on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 p.m. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 P.M. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout and she turned to him and said…
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out, 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye Mom!" The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85." said the clerk. "How come so much! I only bought 5 items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
Why do religious people not like trigonometry
Cos it's a sin.
Got fired from my job at the coffee factory
Boss said it was because I had no filter
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path
They let me pick which medical school I'm going to
Another ‘What am I?’
You can look me in the eyes, You will always see twelve. It'll drive you insane because back to front and upside down I look the same!
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight….
There would be mass confusion
If you ever lock yourself out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
My wife is turning 32 soon…
Iβve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. βAfter all,β I said, βThe celebrations are only going to last half a minute.β βWhat are you talking about?β she asked. I said, βItβs your thirty-second birthday.β