There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.
They’re changing their name to Knockers.
My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.
He really loved that woman.
I’ll never forget my Dad’s final words
"Son, toss me that hatchet"
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
What is Hitler’s favorite Videogame ?
Mein Kraft
Why doesn’t 7 have any frends?
he's odd.
Where did covid 19 take his son?
The Plagueground
If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.
No text found
Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?
It drove pasta stop sign
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
What did one introvert say to the other introvert?
Absolutely nothing and they quickly parted ways
If all ‘t’s were silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
My son asks me, “What does gay mean?”
Me: "It means 'happy," Son: "Oh, so are you gay, then?" Me: "No, son, I have a wife."
BK’s new commercial is questionable at best (I am never eating there again)
BK’s new commercial is questionable at best (I am never eating there again)
A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set
“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up” The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson. 2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in: ”all those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day! All those boarding, mind the gap and have a safe journey!…And all those who are upset by the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!
[First date] Her: So, what do you do? … Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.
Her: Wow! That’s impressive! Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.
A woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.
One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony. After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money. Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money. The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said: "I fucked her too."
By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.
" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. " (Leviticus 20: 13)
[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.
One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in the garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know that boat is such an ongoing expense and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment. And what's the use of that vintage hot rod sports car?" Bob got a horrified look on his face. She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?” He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.” "Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!” Bob replied, "I wasn't…"
A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s
Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls. "That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular tricks. The two F-16s continue showing off. When they finally fall back into place the C-130 pilot comes on the mike. "I bet I can do something you can't" he says. "Yeah, right, prove it" says one of the F-16 pilots. "Watch this," says the C-130 pilot and continues flying in a straight line. After a few minutes, the F-16 pilot comes back on the mic and says "We didn't see anything, you liar" "You're the liar" the C-130 pilot says, "I went to the bathroom for a smoke break and a dump."
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
A man walks into a bar…
…he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke. "Take this apple." "I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke." "Trust me, try the apple." The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!" "Yup. Turn it around." "Wow!" He says after taking a bite from the other side of the apple, "This side tastes like coke!" Before the man can ask the barman to explain the apple's mysteries, another patron walks in. "Vodka and tonic please mate" "Here's an apple." "I don't want a fuckin' apple mate, I want a…" "Trust me, try the man's apple. They're incredible!" Interrupts the first customer. He takes the apple and begrudgingly takes a large bite and starts spluttering; "Bloody hell this tastes like neat vodka!" Both the barman and the first customer yell "Turn it around!" in unison. The man obliges and exclaims "Wow! This tastes like tonic water. These apples are fantastic!" A third man saunter's up to the bar; "Pint of IPA please mate". "Hold on!" Says the second customer. "This guy has an apple in any flavour you want, it's incredible!" "Any flavour?" Asks the third man. "Any flavour you want sir." Say the barman. "In that case, gimme an apple that tastes like pussy!" "Um.. alright" says the barman as he hands him an apple. The man takes a bite and immediately spits everything onto the bar. "EEErrrughcchh!!! This apple tastes like shit!!" "TURN IT AROUND!!"
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
Why do cemeteries have walls and fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in! (My dad told me this one when we drove past a cemetery one day lol)
I handed my 4 year old a bottle of cold water and said, “Hold this.”
She responded, "Don't you mean cold this?" My kid just dad joked me and I've never been prouder of her.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution…
Could this be a red flag?
I once bought shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day
What do gender identities and the twin towers have in common?
… There used to be two of them, and now everyone is REAL SENSITIVE about it
I’ve never actually seen someone use a newspaper to kill a spider, shoes work better
https://ift.tt/3bGffYi
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting
I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India?
Apparently there is a New Delhi.
Where does Black Panther stay when he’s in New York?
His wakondo.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
What do you get when you mix 50% human DNA with 50% goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
I ain’t sayin she a gold digger
but she did migrate to California in 1849.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects “fuck” to “duck.”
You're still using fowl language.
Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.