There is a law in my city that people who live somewhere else can’t be buried in any of it’s cemeteries.
It's because they are still alive.
Wanna hear a feminist joke?
Me too.
Met a homeless man with a sign that said “One Dollar for a Dirty Joke”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?" Me: "John." Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right again, now look at that white cat walking around – how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: "I don't know. A lot?" Homeless man: "Well John, how do you know so much about black cock and so little about white pussy?"
Today is a day we celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
A stormtrooper walks into a bar and orders a martini
The bartender asks while handing the stormtrooper his drink, "Shouldn't you not be drinking on the job?" The stormtrooper arches his eyebrow, "And hit what I'm aiming for?"
Do you know why women fart after they pee?
They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.
OH NO NO NO NO
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
what’s the most disappointing way to finish a joke?
No text found
I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels
She didn't know I existed
“You’re 1 joule per second, Harry!”
“I’m a Watt?”
Y’all hear that “The Kool-Aide Man” started a baseball team?
He's the pitcher.
In America some dogs are K-9
In China some dogs are E-10
Never Trust Someone With Graph Paper…
They're always plotting something.
What kind of running means walking?
Running out of gas!
What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (It’s a learning joke 😁)
Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.
Guy: How rare? Doc: Really rare. Guy: What’s it called? Doc: You choose.
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
In the past, the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now, the poor have cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
Friends are like snowflakes:
When you pee on them, they disappear
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
6:30 is the best time on the clock..
Hands down.
Sausage jokes. They’re the wurst, aren’t they?
No text found
Where are all the dad jokes stored?
At the dadabase.
Two guys are changing in a locker room, one is putting on lace knickers
"Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
A car
Therapist: So what brought you two here? Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally? Therapist: What about you? Husband: A car.
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi
I was at the museum recently and asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures. He replied…
"No, they have to stay on the walls."
A man was found abusing words
He got a sentence.
If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called?
CELLphies Ok, Im leaving
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the water shouting, “Help! Shark! Help!”
I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him…
Seriously, this game was beaten by a 19 yo furry, Pokémon’s with second amendement right and the sweet taste of liber-tea.
Seriously, this game was beaten by a 19 yo furry, Pokémon’s with second amendement right and the sweet taste of liber-tea.
Can vegans eat pudding?
No! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!?