There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
Daddy, what is clickbait?
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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me …." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord…?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done…." They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
What do you say to your sister when shes crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I was about to tell a joke about unemployment
but it needs some work
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He shouts, “A beer please! And one for the road!”
Everyone knows that the zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210 thanks to the show, but not as many people know the zip code to Dawson’s Creek.
It’s 90108 …for our lives to be over…
What a wholesome story, I wonder how this boy turned out.
What a wholesome story, I wonder how this boy turned out.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1 Anna 2
The light bulb comes on for a very stable genius with a good brain, probably the best brain
https://ift.tt/2vQx8UT
If a blind girl says you have a big penis.
She’s probably just pulling your leg.
I hate it when people confuse one social media for another
Edit: Thanks for the likes
Smoking will kill you, bacon will kill you…
Smoking bacon cures it
My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.
But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
What do you say to comfort an English teacher?
They’re, there, their.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two I'm sorry…
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code.
Why are old people so wrinkled?
Ever try to iron one?
Did you hear about the premature ejaculator that is training to become a ninja?
Guys a natural, comes out of nowhere.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes
You knock on the door.
I got my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas…
It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler
What do they put in IPhone batteries?
Apple juice
A man buys a lie detector robot
That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner. “Where were you during school hours?” He asks. “At school!” His son replies. The robot slaps the boy. “Ok I was at my friends house….” His son says. “What were you doing there? “Reading comics!” The robot slaps the son again. “Ok ok!! We were watching an erotic movie…” “What?? I didn’t even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!” The dad exclaims. The robot quickly slaps him. His wife laughs and says, “Wow, he really IS your son-“ The robot slaps the wife.
Two young boys think it’s about time to start swearing.
All of their friends swear, but it's just never been their thing. But tomorrow is the day! They decide to have a sleepover so they can start swearing together. The morning comes and both boys wake up excitedly and head downstairs to breakfast. The mother asked her son "what would you like for breakfast?" Her son replies "I'll take some fruit loops bitch." The mother immediately smacks the kid upside the head and sends him back to his room. She turns to the boys friend and says "I'm so sorry you had to see that, what would you like for breakfast?" The boy looks a little scared a replies "I don't know, but definitely not fucking fruit loops."
My girlfriend is a star on pornhub.
And she'll kill me if she finds out.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
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Leap year babies finally getting their Feb 29th Birthday in years today.
Leap year babies finally getting their Feb 29th Birthday in years today.
Someone stole 300 cans of Red Bull from my local store…
I don't know how they can sleep at night!
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555,55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
My buddy called me and asked what I was doing…
I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale
I slept with a blind woman the other night. It went pretty well, mostly.
Once the clothes came off she said to me "You have the biggest dick I have ever laid my hands on" I said, "Stop pulling my leg."
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
Well the flag is a big plus!