There is just SO much wrong with this.
I named my dog “Wifi”…
Because I stole it from my neighbor…
An old man sought out a doctor for a sperm count…
The doctor gave him a sample pot and said: "Take this and bring it back tomorrow with a sperm sample." The following day, the old man returned and gave the pot back to the doctor. It was empty as the day before. Confused, the doctor asked what happened. The old man explained: "You see, doc, this is how it went: first, I tried with my right hand and nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, still nothing. So I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with her left one, but nothing. Next she tried with her mouth – first with her teeth, then without them, and nothing. We even called our neighbor and she also tried. First with both hands, then with her armpit and lastly, squeezing it between her knees, but nothing." The doctor was shocked: "You asked your neighbor for help?!" "Yes, doc. But neither of us could open the damn pot."
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Only a fraction of people know this
Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough…
They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!
What do you call a vampire who makes pancakes?
Count Spatula.
A man and his wife are in bed, the man is really horny and wants to have sex, but the woman just wants to read her book, so she refuses.
the man, frustrated, jumps out of bed and goes down to the basement, and when he returns to bed, he's holding a sheep. The man says "this is the pig i cheat on you with when you're busy" . the women looks at him and says "honey, that's a sheep in your hands". The man turns to her and says " I wasn't talking to you".
What happens when you eat Aluminium foil?
You sheet metal.
Have you heard about that guy who got his left hand cut?
He's alright now
Wife: Can you pick up milk?
Guy: lifts gallon yeah it's pretty easy. Wife: I mean from the store. Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there.
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
I have some jokes about unemployed people, but I can’t tell them to you
None of them work
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in the Post Office
They get really annoyed
Firefighters are worth their weight in gold.
Police officers are worth their weight in copper.
My wife just told me she has the body of a teenager.
I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.
Dolphins don’t have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
Did you know the keyboard never sleeps
Because it has two shifts
A Statistically Accurate Joke
Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck. The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right. The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left. The third jumps up and yells, “We got him! We got him!“
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
When is a dad joke mature?
When it's full groan.
Every time my doorbell rings, my dog runs to the corner…
He's a Boxer…
There’s an L in Noel even though there is Noel
No text found
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm the best dentist in town, How did you figure that out?" "Didn't feel a thing!"
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her
“on what day will I die?” The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day”, she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday”.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
A farmer has three daughters and each of them have dates
The farmer, being skeptical of their dates decides to meet them first. If he didn’t like them, he would give them the business end of his shotgun. The first date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, “Hi I’m Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re going to the show. Is she ready to go?” The farmer liked him and let him go. The second date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, “Hi I’m Freddy. I’m here to pick up Betty. We are going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?” The farmer liked him and he let him go. The third date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, “Hi I’m Chuck “ and the farmer shot him.
What do you call a person with one arm and no legs ?
By their name. Don’t be a dick.
Went to donate blood today…awful experience, never again….
Question after question…"who's blood is it?"….."where did you get it?"….."why is it in a bucket?
I bought a theremin
But I haven’t touched it in years. I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
What did I say when greeting the fashion designer?
"Nice Jimmy Choo."