There is no iPhone 9 because…. seven ate nine!
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts. This should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”
A joke my second grade teacher used to tell
Every Friday after school, a young boy named Timmy would go to the corner store for an after-school treat. There would always be a group of rowdy older boys loitering outside the store. Every time Timmy came by they'd pull him aside. The leader would reveal a dollar in his left hand and a quarter in his right, and tell Timmy to take one. Timmy would always take the quarter, leading the boys to laugh and make fun of him. The store owner, after watching this happen for week after week, finally took Timmy aside one day and explained to him that a dollar was worth more than a quarter, which is why the boys were laughing at him. Timmy replied, "I know. But if I took the dollar, they'd stop. So far I've made fifty bucks."
I got mugged by six dwarves last night
Not Happy.
What do you call Batman when he leaves church?
Christian Bale.
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans.
A wife goes to her husband and says…
"My birthday is next week. I want something shiny and new that goes from 0 – 300 in 2 seconds." So her husband bought her a bathroom scale.
My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole
Fair enough it was her sister's but still…
Due to reposts I now try to guess the punchline before i open up a joke on Reddit. Can you guess how many I’ve gotten correct?
Bus driver. If you thought I was going to say "nun" you were probably surprised.
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
Bamboo is an invasive species in my area that spreads quickly, can take over your yard, and is very hard to get rid of.
That's why they don't call it bamhooray.
What do you call an incel in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for Christmas?
Because he felt his presents…
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb
Let's go ride bikes!
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a superhero, the other is a command.
I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.
The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
If you work hard everyday, your hard work will pay off and you will eventually be successful.
My parents used to tell me that joke all the time. Still remember it to this day.
I tell my wife I’m close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..
I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
Where did the two hamburgers go to dance?
The meatball
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside the house today and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it…
I said “Waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?”. He said …
“I don’t know we never measure it”
What do you call cocaine for your butt?
Ass Crack
To get a girl, some guys use pick up lines. Others rely on the attraction of their car
So I figure a pick up truck should cover both bases
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.
Have you heard of the reverse exorcism?
It’s where the devil appears and asks the priest to get out of the child.
Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail?
When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Because he's a pain in the neck.
A Blonde Joke
Two ladies, blonde and a brunette, meet up for lunch. The Brunette tells the blonde that she just had sex with a Brazilian. The Blonde excitedly exclaims, "Oh my god! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
Did you know that commas can change the meaning of a sentence.
For example Ben is in a hurry vs Ben is in a comma
They’re banning phones in my school, my teacher was laughing her ass off at this
https://ift.tt/2TTqdCz
Why is masturbation just like procrastination?
It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.