There is now a real possibility that Trump will pardon Tiger King and then Tiger King will campaign for Trump. That could actually happen. That is Trump’s America. If countries were TV shows, America would be Tiger King. BadChoices.us
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum hiss
Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out-Tide
I got a bar installed into my roof
Just so whenever I have guests I can say “drinks are on the house.”
I can’t believe I fell asleep at the wheel.
I'm not hurt, but my pottery is ruined
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punch line becomes apparent. My kids hate this one and I can't stop laughing at it…
How do you cure depression ?
Love it. Then it will leave you after a while for someone else.
Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.
Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious – I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!" Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant…" Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"
Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?
Because the meat was Chewie.
A genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve answered, “I wish I was rich!” And the genie said…
"What’s your second wish, Rich?"
Buhdum tiss
https://ift.tt/2KD8QSE
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.
State of the subreddit and the Hackathon, and going forward
So, the first thing I’d like to clear up is that the final Hackathon stream will finally be taking place this week and judging will conclude approximately a week later. Then we’ll hand out the prizes, announce the winners and get this whole thing done with. Extremely sorry for the long wait, but scheduling differences have made it very difficult to get everything fully coordinated. We’ll be running the next one sometime next year (likely in the summer), along with some big plans, so stay tuned. twitch.tv/programmerhumorNow, as for the subreddit: despite our new Rule #0 and strike system (although it has still been extremely beneficial), we’ve still been receiving much too many low effort and barely programming related posts. This is partially an issue of enforcement, and partially due to the subjectivity of r0. To remedy this, we’ve come up with two possible changes:All posts must go through moderator approval before being allowed on the subreddit.We will hold “Memeless Mondays”, in which all analogy memes which use non-OC templates will not be allowed. So this is good, this is not.Please note that we are not implementing these changes yet. We’d like to see your take on them first – what could we improve? What could we clarify? Could they work at all? Why or why not? We don’t want this subreddit wiped clean of posts, which 24/7 memeless would do, but I feel as if holding an experiment like this would definitely be a good idea. Tell us what you think. We’ll also be bringing back our repost bot soon, which will definitely bring at least a small improvement to content quality.However, our zeroth change will require a very significant new load on moderators. After the Hackathon concludes, we’ll be opening up applications again for several new mods (preferably as many as possible in the east). If you’d like to make ProgrammerHumor about actual ProgrammerHumor again, then’s your chance, so keep an eye out.Thanks for reading this and especially thanks if you give any feedback – this would be a huge shift for the subreddit so it’s not going to be taken lightly.
The first 10 incarnations of Winnie the Pooh were so cute.
XI is just a fucking asshole.
My friend is obsessed with monorails.
He truly has a one track mind.
Damn girl, are you a fire alarm?
Cause you’re fucking loud and annoying.
Got into a fight with a vending machine
Had to knock some cents into it
Did you hear about the soldier who drank on the job?
He got tanked
Me and my wife stopped talking for weeks after we blamed each other for not defrosting the refrigerator.
Finally, I decided to break the ice.
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank…
I have no words for how angry I am.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes
You knock on the door.
“Hey girl, lets go to my place, we can watch a movie or something.”
"I don't know… do you have any toilet paper there?"
How do you say ‘what’s up dawg ‘ in Japanese
Konichihuahua
BREAKING: Trump signs an Executive Order renaming the San Andreas Fault
to Barack Obama’s Fault
Why do skeletons never take any risks?
Because they have no guts.
Funny how things are still tagged NSFW
As if any of us still have jobs
How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote, so he gives them a test…
He sits them all down and tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have. " He then proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and tells them that he will come back to the mine in a week, and see which of them have been able to move the most ore with the money they were given. He returns after one week to check up on them, and approaches his oldest son. "How much digging have you been able to do?" He asks "3 tons of ore, father. I used 300 dollars to buy a broken digger, I then used my business contacts to find a mechanic willing to fix it for just 200 dollars if I gave his 5 kids a job. The youth is so desperate for a job this day, they will do 12 hour shifts even for an internship, and I only had to pay them 100 dollars each for a week of work" The father pats his son proudly on the shoulder before moving on to his middle child, asking him how much mining he had been able to do as well. "10 tons of ore, father. I used 100 dollars to run a local ad in the newspaper asking for workers, then took in 75 undocumented immigrants who all brought their own tools and shovels. They're all so afraid of being taken by immigration that they're willing to work for half minimum wage." The father looks skeptically at his son for a while, but notices the massive piles of ore the workers are carrying out, and gives him a nod before carrying on to his youngest son. "How much mining have you been able to do?" Asks the father "35 tons, dad, but I didn't use any of the budget." The father looks at him in awe, his jaw dropping "How were you able to move 35 tons of ore for free!?" "I invited a bunch of conspiracy theorists. They just keep digging deeper and deeper thinking they're going to find something, and every time I tell them to take a break they accuse me of trying to withhold the truth from them!"
“I swear, I’m kicking you out of the house if you don’t stop singing Christmas music.”
But, baby, it’s cold outside!
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
It’s a boomers humor Christmas! Found in a sixty-year-old women’s feed unironically.
https://ift.tt/2t4wstl
whenever i ask someone what is LGBT
i never get a straight answer
I found r/atheism the other day
Still can't believe it
My girlfriend told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life.”
I said, “Floors are beneath me.”
I told my daughter, “Mom keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character and it’s getting really annoying!” She asked, “Are you mad at her?”
“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.
I spent all night trying come up with a dad joke
When suddenly it dawned on me
Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.
It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.
literally they all complain about kids and talk about hating their wife holy shit
https://ift.tt/2Ocoyq2
A bullet says he quit his job
He was actually fired
It’s probably not safe for me to be driving this car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because its cheaper
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes aparent.