There is so much wrong with this image.
Why do trees look a little suspicious on sunny days?
They seem a bit shady.
Today i saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down the wall
i thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s noggin…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "Two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "One, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's noggin, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "Look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one- believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President that God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
I couldn’t help but smile as the infant-ry marched on the capitol.
There's nothing cuter than a babies' coup.
This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh
If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.
For Christmas morning, I’m going to make Eggs Benedict, and I’m going to serve them on hubcaps from a 1962 Ford…
…because there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.
My wife said I had no sense of direction…
So I packed my bag and right
Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway! ~ My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
I’m a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.
Just need to find a place to bury her.
Back in 1920’s…
…Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities) She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her signature and says, "Oh there must have been a mistake. You can't stay here." "What do you mean?" she answers confused. "Well, your last name is Goldstein. You can't stay here." To which he points to the sign saying 'No Jews' "Oh, you think I'm Jewish? I'm not Jewish." "Oh really? If that's the case, you can answer these questions…Who is our lord and savior?" "Why, Jesus, of course…" she answers without hesitation. "Uh huh. And where was he born?" the manager snidely asks. "In the city of Bethlehem, In a manger." "Uh huh. And why was he born in a manger?" "Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent a room to a nice Jewish couple!"
How do you make an old lady say “Fuck”?
Have another one say "Bingo!"
A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.
Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.
I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
Pun enters a bar. Bloody fight ensues, ten people die.
Pun in, ten dead.
I have a Himalayan friend that told me he was going to the protests today…
… I just saw the news and I think I saw Himalayan there.
I recently failed my Medical College entrance exam because of nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a room…
…a man enters and asks them "Can you see me?" and they respond; "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
What is the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?
The former is a ladder, while the latter is a former.
The opposite of isolate is
yousoearly.
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater…
…as "the most violent book I've ever read."
A male and a female martians swapped partners with an earth couple
The Martian male was fucking the earth female but she told him that his penis was too small so he pulled his left ear and his penis became longer then she told him that it's too thin so he pulled his right ear and his penis became wider and the earth female became very happy. The next night the earth female asked the earth male about his experience with the female martian so he said "yea it was fun but idk why she kept pulling my ears"
I was a soap addict.
But now I'm clean.
![Christopher Woken [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/9l85a9bqslt41-400x1280.jpg)
What do you call a bear covered in strawberries
To be honest even I dont know u choose
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
“Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was ‘really silly’?”
"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
Why shouldn’t blind people sky dive??
It scares the dog.
Why didn’t congress impeach Trump ?
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?
So they can see the battlefield.
Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach… NSFW
When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital. At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one failing. The doctor has an idea, turns to the husband and says, "We will coat your penis with honey, you insert it into your wife. When you feel the wasp on your head, slowly remove it." The husband gives it a try but with all the yelling, hectic drive and stress of the situation, he cannot get an erection. The doctor says, "With both your permissions, I can perform the procedure." Fearing that the wasp can do damage in there, they both readily agree. The doctor pulls down his scrubs, smears himself with honey and gets instantly hard. He slowly inserts his honey covered penis a few inches into the wife's vagina. Withdraws an inch, slides back in a couple inches, withdraws a few inches. "There he is… no, lost him… I think I got him. No, no. Lost him again…" Over the next 20 minutes, the doctor's comments has turned into grunts and pants. He now has sweat dripping from his face, while pumping the wife viorously. The wife is moaning wildly, and has locked her legs around the doctors hips. The husband is on the edge of his seat and screams, "Doctor, tell me what's happening!? What's going on in there!" Doctor replies, "Change of plans. I'm going to drown that little fucker."
Met a beautiful girl at the park today..
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser.
My son took some exams to become a pirate
He kept getting high C's
What do you call a starving hippo in Budapest?
A hungry Hungary hippo
Hey /r/CleanJokes, police related jokes just aren’t funny!!
So give it arrest…
“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
