There is this rumor about Apple buying off Reddit.
It's not me, iReddit somewhere.
A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.
As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck. The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.” The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.” BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman. Thrilled by her success the woman says “genie I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!” BAM! With a snap of the genies fingers the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels. While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly and said “you have one wish left.” The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the buildings transformation. The woman looked up at the genie and said “this cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!” BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man. Immediately enamored bu her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered “Too bad you had me neutered.”
Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the Hell out of it
Why doesn’t 7 have any frends?
he's odd.
I identify as an elongated fish.
People say I'm mentally eel.
Why do cows have hooves?
Cuz they lactose.
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon.
I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
How quickly did the costume store employees clean up the sombrero spill?
At the drop of a hat!
I was feeling very lonely so I bought some shares…
It’s nice to have a bit of company…
My son: Dad, what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once. Son: Was that really hard? Me: It is now. (This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.
I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I love raising caterpillars as pets.
It always gives me butterflies.
If I could shoot rockets out of my feet,
I would call them missile toes. Have a Merry Christmas and happy holidays!
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.
It’s just a curd to me.
80% of girls like guys with six-pack abs.
80% of guys with six-pack abs don’t like girls.
When it comes to nudist contests…
I barely qualify.
What do you call an evil Muslim?
Muhahahahahahammed
If anyone needs a tip on where to store leftover Halloween candy…
I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
Why should you never play poker against the Queen of England when she is sitting on a toilet?
Because you can't beat a royal flush.
The urge to sing “the lion sleeps tonight” may come any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
What makes a good tongue twister?
Well, it’s hard to say.
The cops just stopped by and said I was in trouble because my dog was chasing someone on a bike
My dog doesn’t even OWN a bike.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip.”
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
My wife asked me to get some of the pills that would help me get an erection.
So I got her some diet pills.
Did you hear about the premature ejaculator that is training to become a ninja?
Guys a natural, comes out of nowhere.
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody
My male friend with two red headed parents got turned into a cookie today
Not much has changed though, he’s still a ginger-bred man.
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener.
I saw a guy flagging down a taxi van today.
I guess you could say he was Van Halen.
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers ?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
Put a load in the dishwasher earlier
My wife prefers to call it intercourse