There only one way to tell open the box
I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings
In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
A dad is lying on his deathbed with his son standing over him
Son: I’m really gonna miss you, Dad. The dad, with his dying breath, utters, “Hi Really Gonna Miss You, I’m Dad.” A single tear rolls down the son’s cheek
I hate autocorrect.
It makes me say thing I don't nintendo.
My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
To all my friends this holiday season, if you’re going to be drinking, please don’t drive.
The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus, but I did a pretty good job
Every time my doorbell rings, my dog runs to the corner…
He's a Boxer…
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
Husband: "No sweetie." Wife:"I'm sure you would." Husband: "Okay, I would" Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" Husband: "Ya, I guess so." Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" Husband: "No, she's left handed."
I was explaining to my son how a baton is used in relay races, and he understood right away.
I gotta hand it to him.
I was at a really emotional wedding today…
Even the cake was in tiers.
A pun walks in and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead.
An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.
He orders a pint and tells the landlord, “I’ve been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing’s perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what’s happening in any room in this pub.” “Oh really”, says the landlord, “go ahead then”. The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceiling and listens. “In your bathroom, upstairs, the one at the end of the corridor… a tap’s been left on.” Skeptical, the landlord sends his nephew upstairs to check. His nephew returns and confirms the findings. “Could’ve been luck”, says the landlord, “Go on, try again…” The old man cups his ear, tilts his head to the floor and listens. “In your cellar”, he says, “I can hear scurrying. You have a rat infestation.” “You’re talking rubbish.” says the landlord, and sends his nephew to check. He returns and the old man is right, again! Now intrigued, the landlord urges him to try again. He cups a hand round his ear and listens to somewhere behind the bar. “Ah, in the storeroom down that corridor”, he says, “someone’s having at it in there right now”. The nephew goes and checks the store room, and what d’ya know, he finds two of the bar staff shagging away in there. “Bloody hell old man, you truly are incredible”, says the landlord, “what else can you hear?” The old geezer hushes the landlord, places his head on the bar and listens for a while. He lifts his head off the bar and says, “Yep, your beer pump is definitely out of action”. The landlord checks the pump… “Ha! You’re wrong old man. It’s working perfectly!” “Well then, where’s my fucking pint?”
¿Que? ¿Como? ¿Porque? ¿Donde?
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
I’m sure there’s an army of weavers coming our way.
I just sense this looming dread.
“Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.”
"But I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."
The waterbed salesman called out to me: “NOW WITH SHIATSU MASSAGE!!!”
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for an IAS (Indian Civil Service) interview.
He was asked – Q 1. When did India get Independence? He answered – The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1947. Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence? Answer – There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If I give a name, it will be injustice to others. Q 3. Do you think, Corruption is the greatest enemy of the country? Answer – A committee is investigating in this matter. I can give a correct reply to this only after seeing the report. The Interview Board was impressed by his original ideas. They asked him to wait outside; but also advised him not to reveal the questions, as they may ask the same questions to other candidates also. When the young man went out of the room, (there was other Person waiting for the interview outside the room). Person(2) inquired about the questions asked. The young man said that he had promised the interview board not to disclose the questions. But, Person(2) found a way out. "Tell me the answer you gave." The young man, thought it to be okay, as he was not going back on his words of "not disclosing the QUESTIONS". So he gave him the three answer which Person(2) quickly learnt by heart. When person(2) went in for interview, this is what happened. Q 1. When were you born? Person(2):- The efforts started long back, but could succeed in 1947. Interviewers got confused…they asked next question. Q 2. What is your father's name? Person(2) :- There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If I give a name, it will be injustice to others. The board members were shocked at the reply..they said. Q 3. Are you mad? Person(2) :- A committee is investigating in this matter. I can give a correct reply to this only after seeing the report.
This cancer game is easy
i'm already on stage 4
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now!!
If you hold your pee
urine trouble
Why do fish fail in school?
They are below the C level.
An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college…
The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise. A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion coming from the lecture hall and decides to see what is going on. He gets as close as he can to the front a d asks one of the students trying to get in what the lecture is suppose to be about. “Well an engineer is in there, giving a speech entitled “The Mechanical Properties and Shear Strength Analysis of Joints Fastened By Means of Metallic Slugs Compressed by Pneumatic Tools” the Student replied. The man’s mouth dropped open in disbelief, “This whole crowd and all that noise, for something that sounds like a snooze fest?” he asked. The student replied, “Oh don’t let the name fool you. When it comes right down to it, it is simply riveting!”
What’s a thousand times better than Instagram?
Instakilogram.
A Tampa man dies and goes to Hell.
A Tampa man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.” The man says, “No problem. I’m from Tampa.” So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Tampa man to see how he’s doing. To the devil’s surprise, the man is doing just fine. “No problem…just like Tampa in June,” the man says. So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Tampa man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. “No problem. Just like Tampa in July,” the man says. So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK. He says, “No problem. Just like Tampa in August.” Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. When he goes back now to see how the Tampa man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what’s going on. To which the Tampa man replies….. “THE RAYS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!” “THE RAYS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”
Wife: Honey, I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad. Wife: No you're not.
A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says
You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce unionized.
How do birds communicate?
They Tweet.