There was a cat on my car roof this morning
My dad’s star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died
He was attacked by a giant crab
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
Why is a group of crows called a “murder”?
because there's probable caws
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got 6 months
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
/r/Jokes/comments/gt1blg/i_went_to_the_shop_the_other_day_to_buy_six_cans/
The Pope walks into a Mosque.
The Imam says “Why the wrong faith?”
They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.
Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.
I don’t get jokes about school shootings
I guess they must be aimed at a younger audience.
How does an ant put on a tie?
With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
If you die from inhaling muffler fumes…
Do you die from exhaustion?
As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers…
So I have. She's 25 and her name is Candy.
How do birds communicate?
They Tweet.
How does a chicken pay its bills?
In quarters.
My Hispanic buddy likes Little Caesars.
He uses them to trim his mustache.
A Famous Spanish Magician takes the stage for his world famous disappearing act…
He quiets the audience by raising his hand and then begins to speak… "Uno…" "Dos…" And then he vanished without a Tres.
you don’t grate cheese here… you shReddit
No text found
A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store
He bought some whiskey, and tequila When he got home, he set them on the table His son immediately picked up both bottles The dad asks "What are you doing?!" The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.
I’ve got my corduroy pants, my corduroy shirt, and my corduroy hat…
One more piece of clothing and I’ll be one whole Roy!
My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed
In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.
Click here to see a silly beverage medley.
Do-re-mi-fa-soda-ti-do!
What do you call a beehive that has no exits?
Un-bee-leavable
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold
I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass
He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex with my wife." He said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife." and I said "Neither did I till you shined a light on her."
How many incels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They'll just compliment it and get pissed when it doesn't screw.
An athlete walks into a bar
And gets eliminated from the high jump competition
I don’t know why i loves bad puns so much.
It’s just how eye roll i guess
My parents said that if I wanted to go travelling then I’d have to save up. So I’ve been saving up for three years now.
Still can't afford a train ticket.
What do you call an accusatory reptile?
An allegator
