There was a joke about fishing I was going to tell you…
Oh no, I forgot the line!
I’m so sick of people saying stealing is wrong.
I just don't buy it.
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Why don’t the Sons of Liberty have a secret knock?
Because freedom rings
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plane bagel
I was beaten up by a busty women in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?” So I did.
What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red.
![[NSFW] Posted by an actual boomer on my facebook](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/mzradmnz4j441-400x325.jpg)
Trump supporters in a nutshell. This is why America is the way it is right now
https://ift.tt/2vUEW7E
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says "Don't do it, man you'll never hear the end of it.
“As has often been noted, physics is to math what sex is to masturbation”
Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?" Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."
This is on my 600 pound life. I’ve never seen someone with an overweight forehead before.
https://ift.tt/37rGxiU
I’m so disappointed in this generation
These days, people will click on anything even if it's nothing more then a catchy title
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It's gonna take me a while to get hard; I got laid earlier today
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw them in the mainstream
The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.
Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator." "Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him. Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!" "You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said. Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrator!" The class went dead silent. The teacher told Timmy, "Um Timmy, I don't think vibrators eat things…" Timmy was confused. "Really? My sister told me it ate through batteries like crazy!"
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him…
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies: "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says: "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly: "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend…
…and chimney installations are through the roof!
I just spotted an albino dalmatian…
It was the least I could do!
Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized?
Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.
There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?
So they can see the battlefield.
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
Hear the one about those corduroy pillows?
Been leaving headlines everywhere
Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?
Because she was thicc
A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might win this
It’s probably not safe for me to be driving this car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
My son asked me what an updog was.
I told him it was an older version of a henway. “What’s a henway?” My son asked. “About 5 pounds” I replied.
You know what’s wrong with political jokes?
They sometimes get elected.
Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?
In charge of the schedule Yoda was.
Is Google male or female?
Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Did you know that Diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in the jeans
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
The drill slipped.
Why are hamsters like cigarettes?
They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
