There was a joke about fishing I was going to tell you…
Oh no, I forgot the line!
I just don't buy it.
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Because freedom rings
A plane bagel
I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?” So I did.
You get your palm red.
As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”
A chicken walks up to him and says "Don't do it, man you'll never hear the end of it.
Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?" Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."
These days, people will click on anything even if it's nothing more then a catchy title
It's gonna take me a while to get hard; I got laid earlier today
Throw them in the mainstream
Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator." "Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him. Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!" "You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said. Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrator!" The class went dead silent. The teacher told Timmy, "Um Timmy, I don't think vibrators eat things…" Timmy was confused. "Really? My sister told me it ate through batteries like crazy!"
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies: "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says: "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly: "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
…and chimney installations are through the roof!
It was the least I could do!
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
So they can see the battlefield.
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
Been leaving headlines everywhere
Because she was thicc
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might win this
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
I told him it was an older version of a henway. “What’s a henway?” My son asked. “About 5 pounds” I replied.
They sometimes get elected.
In charge of the schedule Yoda was.
Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
It runs in the jeans
The drill slipped.
They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.