There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..
Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.
Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the pirates wouldn't then go all cannons and cutlass on their prey. Instead, they would signal over to the merchant vessel, offering to repair the damage to their ship for but a small fee. Having barely survived the storm and taking in more water than they could bail, the crew of the merchant vessels would readily agree.
Once payment had been made, the Pirate Captain would send five of his own crew to board the merchant vessel, along with a large wooden crate of tools. They would then proceed below decks and start work.
Unbeknownst to the crew of the merchant vessel, two of the Captain's most stealthiest pirates were hiding in the large wooden crate of tools. Once below decks, they would pop out and get to work too, raiding the hold of the merchant vessel and taking all the valuables, jewels and gold pieces they could get their hands on.
Quickly tossing their spoils into the large wooden crate, the other two would then work alongside the other five once the crate was full. When the repairs were complete and the seven crewmen had returned with the crate full of booty, the pirate ship would depart as swiftly as it had arrived, before the the crew of the merchant vessel noticed anything was missing.
Bragging about his ill-gotten gains amassed using this tactic, the Pirate Captain was booed and jeered at by his counterparts for employing such dishonourable methods. His reply?
"Arrr.. it's not loot-boxes I be using! They be the surprise mechanics, and they be quite ethical.."
“Hey dad, I’m taking a shower”
"Alright, make sure to bring it back"
Just by looking, i can tell if someone is lying.
I can also tell if they are standing.
I tried to makeup a joke about shopping.
Does discount?
When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.
He was decomposing.
New British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson
held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.
Did you hear about the Dad joke sweeping the globe?
Its called the Groaner virus
I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery
3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them “I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”
What do you call a sentence that can hurt you ?
A punchline…
Old MacDonald is up to something. He types out his song “E-I-E-I-o.”
I just can't trust a guy with shift-E-I's.
I found a pen that writes underwater
It writes other words too
I bought a Dog off a Blacksmith the other day…
As soon as I got him home he made a Bolt for the Door.
Boy George has 5 reddit accounts and likes to switch between them.
He's a karma-karma-karma-karma-karma-chameleon.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said ‘are you sure?
Then I said 'im definite
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.
I bought a dog from a Blacksmith the other day…
I only had him 3 hours and he made a bolt for the door.
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
Milk is the fastest liquid on earth
It's pasteurized before you even see it!
My half-brother is 6’5
Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother
A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar…
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!” The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots.
As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay"? As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess."
A blonde rings up an airline and asks: “How long are your flights from America to England?”
The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.
I went into a Chinese takeaway last night
The owner of the shop said, What do you do for a riving? I said, What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian. So the Chinese chap says, Go on then, change color. I said, No. I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian. So then he says, Tell me a joke, make me raff. I said, You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh? Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, Wok. Wok. And he said, Who der?
Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo
The cardinal test. To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes. The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woman and one by one removed their eye coverings. None of the bells rang until the last priest of who once he saw the naked woman, the little Bell started ringing so furiously that it flew off and fell forward. Embarrassed, he went forward and bent over to pick up his little Bell. All the little bells behind him started ringing furiously..
V
V Edit: my CTRL key broke
Once a certain donkey driver turned to Khoja Nasreddin: “Oh, wise one, explain one thing to me, otherwise I will lose my mind.”
– I was given ten donkeys to drive to another city, and I hit the road. Before the road, I counted them, there were 10. I sat on a donkey and we drove off. On the way, I decided to count the donkeys again, and, to my horror, there were nine of them. Then I decided to make a halt, dismounted, and again counted my flock, there were ten again! With relief I set off again, but when I decided to count the donkeys again, there were nine again! And so every time and all the way, there are always 9 on their way, and on a halt 10. Take a look yourself, O Nasruddin, and tell me how many donkeys you see here? – Eleven.
My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention
We were better than The Cure.
I really need to get this shit off my chest,
and let my girlfriend know I’m not into this fetish.
Politeness is key
A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man. She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born. So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly "Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank-you." She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby! The woman continued to wait for her newborn, and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months and years passed, the baby never came! Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body. They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other: "You go first!" "No, you go first!"
Me at the bookstore: Do you have any books on turtles?
Cashier: Hard back? Me: yea, with little heads.
They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused to eat, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly with him again.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make things interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.
I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant….
but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
A kiss might make her day.
But anal will make her hole weak.
I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
I took my dog to the lake to day and noticed he floats very well
He’s a good buoy
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
https://ift.tt/36y8XHm