There was a young man…
There was a young man
From Cork who got limericks
and haiku's confused
My son stands behind her and texts me what cards she’s got in her hand.
Because he’s Claustrophobic.
They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’ She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well,how was it?’ The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says… . . . . . . . . . "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"
So I told her she's pretty enough.
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet…
He did a sult-ana
Donating 5 makes you a suspect
A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says “What’ll it be today?” The bear says “give me a gin and…………………….tonic” The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?” The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “
Two cannibals giving eachother a blowjob
The element of surprise!
I don't know. I'll escalator.
But when I do, he laughs
They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude is like a math wiz. I’m really struggling, so I ask Ving if he’d give me a hand on the homework. Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor. I’m like yeah sure what? He asks me to drive him to the city hall after school. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. I’m like alright dude! So after school I’m driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and Ling is totally giving Ving the cold shoulder. I’m like what’s the deal and Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is totally pissed that he’d disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a super long time. Finally it’s our turn and Ving tells me he’s picked “Lee” as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about the ancestry shit, blah blah. Then it’s time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can’t do it. Shittttt man, that ancestry shit runs deeeep. The lady at the desk is like ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Argh, stupid small town laws, Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. “DAD!” Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, “Don’t stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!”
It runs in your jeans.
So they can see the front lines
Gay. Definitely at least a little gay.
He wrote back "I can't complain"
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
My son wanted some girl advice, so I told him, “If you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing.”
They are just big raisins.
He does as instructed. Wife: now take off my blouse…. He does it.. Wife : now take off my skirt…. He does it. Wife : now take off bra. He does it. Wife : now take off my panties.. He does it.. Wife : Now don't you ever wear my clothes again.
But I called her Bluff.
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.
I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.
Three men died and went to hell where they met the Devil. The Devil told them that they had sinned in life and therefore had to spend the next 666 years in hell to atone for their sins. However, since the Devil wasn't entirely merciless, he would let them choose for themselves how they were going to spend those 666 years. And so the Devil let the men to three doors. Going through the first door, they entered what looked to be a normal bar. Although, if you were there for more than an hour, you would notice that no matter how much you tried to drink another bottle would appear on the shelf. And even better, the bar always had the exact drink you wanted available. An unlimited supply of every alcoholic beverage in existence. It was, in short, a drunkard's paradise. When they entered the second door, they were greeted by a myriad of women all ready to satisfy every sexual desire they could possible have. There were multiple women of every shape, size and ethnicity imaginable. Looking closer you would notice that there were even celebrity and work crushes from your life in the crowd. Every single one of them ready to please you. It was, in short, a pervert's paradise Finally, when they entered the third door, they found themselves in a forest made of cannabis. The ground was made of kief, all the bushes wore beatiful buds and even the trees were 20 feet tall cannabis plants. There were every strain it has or ever will be possible to grow. You could even find rocks of hashish laying around the forest floor if you looked closely. It was, in short, a stoner's paradise. The Devil asked the men which room they each wanted. The words had barely left the Devil's mouth before the first man ran directly to the room with a myriad of women. The second man then went to the room with the bar, thinking that if he was going to spend 666 years in hell, he might as well be drunk for most of it. Lastly, the third man, thinking he had won the lottery, gladly went towards the room with the forest of cannabis. 666 years later, the Devil returned to see if the men had atoned for their sins. When he opened the first door, bottles slowly rolled out and you could immediately smell piss and puke coming from the room. It took the Devil a while, but he finally found the man nestled between the bottles, smeared in his own shit and puke, and with arguably the worst hangover in history. The Devil agreed it was punishment enough and let him out. When he opened the second door, he was overwhelmed with the sound of hundreds of crying children and angry women. Not ten seconds after the door opened, the man came running, pleading for the Devil to please let him out. There were kids of every age running around screaming and all the women were angry at each other, while everyone, children and mothers alike, were angry at the man. The Devil agreed it was punishment enough and let him out. When the Devil opened the third door, he immediately saw the man sitting cross legged in a giant pool of his own tears. The Devil had not expected this. Confused, he went to ask the man what was wrong. The man, tears still running down his face, looked up at the Devil and said: "I don't have a lighter" Edit: a word Sneak note: ITT a lot of people who wants to ruin the joke 🙁
They were taking a walk but were way too close to each other given the social distancing orders. When I confronted them about the need to keep at least 6 feet apart, one of them looked at me dumbfounded and said, "We're just trying to flatten our curves!"
Children of the quarn.
He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements. edit:OC