There was an explosion at a French cheese factory
De brie everywhere.
My dad took me to an Apple store to buy me an iPhone 11
Me: "Please don't fart here." Dad: "Why?" Me: "Because they don't have Windows."
I went to the grocery store.
The sign said "No food or drinks inside" So I went home.
I’m going through a lot right now
I cant seem to find a parking spot
My dad can’t be the only one that does this
My dad can’t be the only one that does this
A man buys a lie detector robot
That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner. “Where were you during school hours?” He asks. “At school!” His son replies. The robot slaps the boy. “Ok I was at my friends house….” His son says. “What were you doing there? “Reading comics!” The robot slaps the son again. “Ok ok!! We were watching an erotic movie…” “What?? I didn’t even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!” The dad exclaims. The robot quickly slaps him. His wife laughs and says, “Wow, he really IS your son-“ The robot slaps the wife.
Only anti-vaxxers will get this one…
Small-Pox
I’m so upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go
Having sex on regular basis keeps your memory strong and healthy.
Happy New Year 2016 everyone.
I said “Waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?”. He said …
“I don’t know we never measure it”
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Know what goes great with a Coronavirus?
Lime disease
Stan lee
Its sad he died but at least he lived a marvelous life
Some people have difficulties sleeping.
But I can do it with my eyes closed.
A dad was washing his car with his son
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Doctor : You’ve got a problem in your eyes
Dad : Oh i see Doctor : No you can't
My girlfriend shouted at me, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!”
Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!
Why do cemeteries have walls and fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in! (My dad told me this one when we drove past a cemetery one day lol)
So a guy and his gf are making out
and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad. After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings. “Oh shit, I have an important package coming, I have to get the door. I can’t wipe this blood off my face fast enough!” said the guy. The gf tells him, “it’s ok, just tell the guy you were eating a jelly sandwich and didn’t have time to wipe your face.” So the guy goes and opens the door to sign the package from the mailman but notices the mailman staring at him awkwardly. “Oh this red stuff around my mouth is from my jelly sandwich, sorry about that.” says the guy. The mailman, slightly confused, says “Ohhhh… so is that peanut butter on your forehead?”
Did you know that you can’t run through a campground?
You can only ran through a campground, because it's past tents.
How many people are dead in that graveyard?
All of ‘em, I hope!
If not believing in myself was an Olympic sport.
I'd probably get bronze.
What’s the difference between being hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber.
Are people born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?
What do you call a black man who got hit by a car?
An ambulance you racist!!
A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son’s bedroom.
Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him. Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
What is Bruce Wayne’s favorite food?
Goth Ham
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.