There was two windmills in a field
One asked the other “What type of music do you like?”
The other replied “Well I’m a big metal fan”
After dying in a fatal car crash, 3 nuns end up at the pearly gates and the saint there tells them "Since you're so pure of heart and free of sin you can all go into the Kingdom of Heaven if you answer 3 questions. I'm going to ask you one question each." The saint turns to the first nun and asks: "Who were the first two humans God created?" She says: "Adam and Eve!" She gets into Heaven. The saint turns to the second nun and asks: "What was the one thing Adam and Eve were told not to do in the Garden of Eden?" She says: "They weren't allowed to eat the fruit of knowledge!" She gets into Heaven. The saint turns to the last nun – the mother superior – and says "Since you're the mother superior my last question is going to be difficult to answer, but if you answer correctly you can get into Heaven. So my question for you is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they realized they were naked?" Now she has to think a little and as she thinks she's close to conceding, uttering "Gee, that's a hard one…" The saint lets her right into Heaven. The End.
But I never get a straight answer.
The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
632 Hallmark movies.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?
Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.” Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.” Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.” Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s chocolate we're out of,” Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gimme a scoop of raspberry, and a scoop of chocolate.” Clerk: “Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?” Kid: “Sure! V-A-N.” Clerk: “Can you spell the STRAW in strawberry?” Kid: “Sure! S-T-R-A-W! Clerk: “Can you spell the FUCK in chocolate?” Kid: “There is no FUCK in chocolate!” Clerk: “THAT’S what I’m trying to tell you.”
All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12.67.” The man reaches in his pocket and without even looking sets exact change down on the bar. After they finish their beers, the bartender asks, “anything else?” The man says, “Gimme a shot of bourbon.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want a double bourbon, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves them and says, “That’s $14.03.” The man reaches into his pocket and without even looking again sets exact change on the bar. After that round, the bartender says, “What else will ya have?” The man says, “I need a Jack and Coke.” The ostrich says, “Me too!” The cat says, “I want two Jack and Cokes, and I’m only paying…” “Half price, I know,” says the bartender. He sets them up and says, “$16.38, please.” The man reaches in his pocket a third time, and again sets exact change on the bar without counting it out. The bartender asks the man, “How is it that every time you pay for your drink order, you can set exact change on the bar without looking?” The man says, “Well, some years ago I was walking on the beach in Egypt, and I found a magic lamp in the sand. I rubbed it, and a genie appeared and granted me three wishes for setting him free. So, with the first wish, I wished that no matter what I ever wanted to buy, I would always have exact change for it in my pocket.” The bartender says, “That’s brilliant! Most people would wish for a million or five million or whatever. This way, you’ll never run out of money, you don’t have to worry about carrying it, and you’ll never be robbed! Absolutely brilliant.” The man says, “I know, and thank you!” The bartender says, “So what did you ask for with your other two wishes?” The man said “A chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes up with a “breakfast for champions” in front of him, and he is like… what???…
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes up with a "breakfast for champions" in front of him, and he is like… what???… He looks down to his in-bed breakfast and sees waffles, scrambled eggs with bacon, a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, an ice cold beer, a couple of aspirins, and a note that simply says "love you". He stumbles outside the room and sees broken glass, a broken lamp, mud (or vomit) in the carpet, half the clothes he was wearing the day before stinking of alcohol and cigarette laying in the floor… he has no idea what happened, so he calls for his son. "where is your mom?" He asks. "she went to the store to get a new door lock" The kid answers. "ok… do you know what happened yesterday?" "i sure do" says the kid; "you came home at around 5am drunk off your mind, you parked the car in the front lawn, after doing a couple of doughnuts on the front lawn with the car, then, you couldnt fit the key on the front door, and started knocking the door really hard and yelling for us to open, waking the neighbors that where still not awake because of the car parking, but you didnt wait for us, so you ended up kicking open the door after failing to force your way in…" "…afterwards, you stumbled into the table at the entrance breaking the lamp grandma left mom before she passed away…" "…after that, you tried to go up the stairs, and knocked off the wall most of the framed pictures we had hanging, thats when you vomited all over yourself." "So, what happened then?" asked the still hung over man. "Me and mom reached you half way up the stairs and understood you couldnt be talked to, so we dragged you up the stairs, by then you where trying to undress yourself, but couldnt really do it. You only got half your shirt off so mom unbuttoned the rest and then reached for your pants…" "And then what happened????" "Well, mom was trying to take your vomit soaked pants off when you very strongly pushed her aside, and yelled, "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU WHORE! IM A MARRIED MAN!" just before blacking out.
At least he likes at least one thing raw.
He doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
I call it "Letter Rip."
Yoda:”Off course, we are.”
They never get any green cards.
Mike says to Jack, “I found this pen, is it yours?” Jack replies, “Don’t know let me see.” He then tries it and says, “Yes it is.” Mike asks, “How do you know?” Jack replies, “That’s my handwriting..”.
A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up.
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
Dead Man Wokking
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?" "This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
…until it is full groan.
It's a sweet role!
John: "Is there a problem officer?" Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?" John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk" Cop: "Holy shit!" The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up. Chief: "Sir, may I see your license?" John: "Sure" John had his license Chief: "May I see the vehicle's owner registration?" John: "Sure" It was in his car Chief: "Could you open your glove box?" John: "Sure" There were no weapons Chief: "Could you pop open your trunk?" John: "Be my guest" There were no bodies in the trunk Chief:"Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and the owner's dead body in the trunk" John: "Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding"
"How do you eat with that thing?"
No text found
You have my Word.
The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."
But the odds were against them
Well… I’ve got a few twix up my sleeve.
He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing her suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks. "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.