There’s a baby, you have to laugh
I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year.
http://www.poultrymeatcongress.com
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies. I’ll see myself to the door now
What do you call a dog that does magic?
A labracadabrador
I wasn’t sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting…
so I just came in my pants.
“Hello 911.” “What’s your emergency?” “These men won’t stop laughing.” “That’s annoying, but not a crime.”
“Wtf is manslaughter then.”
Why are mathematicians always so happy?
Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.
A tree’s first winter must be terrifying.
Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.
Some alligators can grow up to 15 feet.
Most only have 4 though.
In my career as a lumberjack I cut down exactly 52,487 trees
I know because I kept a log
What do you call a wandering nun?
A "roamin" Catholic.
A Mexican Magician tells audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says uno, dos….*poof*
He disappeared without a tres
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
I renamed my IPod to Titanic.
It’s syncing.
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’
'Of course child. What may I do for you?' ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
How much do dead batteries cost?
Nothing, they’re free of charge.
How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
My dad died yesterday.
Now he makes deadjokes.
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
It's not stroganoff
Getting weights delivered to your house is so expensive!
It's best to just pick them up.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent!
Life is like a toilet paper
One minute you’re on a roll And the next minute, you’re taking shit from some asshole
If you pour salt on a cat’s tail, it’ll fall off…
If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.
Looking for a b’day card in a card bin we have, came across this gem my mom had saved…
https://ift.tt/3aphdfm
In case you don’t know Yoda’s last name
It is LAYHEEHOO
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
Hey /r/CleanJokes, police related jokes just aren’t funny!!
So give it arrest…
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
And then she gave me a huge hug.
I tried to impress a bunch of people at a party by playing my guitar, but nobody took any notice.
They just frowned and moved to another part of the silent disco.
Damn girl, are you a fire alarm?
Cause you’re fucking loud and annoying.
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
I don’t understand Joaquin Phoenix
If Phoenixes can fly why is he Joaquin?
It’s the end of the world as we know it and he feels fine, very stable and wise
https://ift.tt/33mh9ZQ
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
My wife is a body builder
She's pregnant
Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”