There’s a better place
#Tech-Kid is a goldmine
Retreat to your safe space
Baby genitalia, am I right?
Why can’t a bike stand up on it’s own?
It's too tired.
Can I just leave this here ?
Free Sex with Fill-Up
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all." Paddy replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. My sister won twice last week."
Why are the horse stalls at a racetrack labelled A, B, D, E, and F?
Because no one would bet on a seahorse.
My father has schizophrenia…
…but he’s good people…
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes away. A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike–Mike." "Who is it ?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike–it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams !" "So, what's the bad news ?" "You're in the team for this Saturday's match !!!"
Chemistry in advertisimg
Found on FB
A snail walks into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed…
He slaps the roof of one and says, "This is the last one that’s built for speed." The snail says, “This is perfect, but there’s one thing I want you to do first.” The car salesman was confused. “What?” The snail said, “I want you to paint a big red S on it.” The car salesman was even more confused. “Why?” Chuckling, the snail said, “So when people see me driving, they would say, ‘look at that S car go!’”
I’m sure it’s been said before..
Trump and his claims.
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well … You started it."
Why did no one in the King’s court laugh when the king farted?
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
GOP needs a new talking point….
Why was the forest so noisy?
The tree’s bark.
It is like that
From a Boomer friend’s Facebook.
Kid: I’m going to be frank with you, bu- and if you say “Hi Frank, I’m Dad!” I’m gonna be super pissed!
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Bob….’ Bob was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home…. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell….. 'BOB, wake up……. You've shit the bed!
If I really do I’ll die
Stay strong during intern season
Hehe wave go vvvvmmmmm
Light: Bend me daddy
The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.
Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling." Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting." Her Majesty: "Fascinating. Very well, carry on." All is well, until a few doors down the Queen sees a beautiful blonde nurse giving another patient a blowjob. Her Majesty: "Now what's this?" Nurse: "He's suffering from the same condition as that other patient, but this man has much better health insurance."
Lemme Change variable names real quick……
Hey dad, how do you feel?
I feel with my hands. That was my dad’s go to, directly followed by: dad: can I make you a sandwich Me: sure Dad: (does magic hands) poof you’re a sandwich It’s almost 3 years since he died. I miss his joke every damn day.
Is this the best Year??!!??!!?
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
Splish splash your opinion is trash
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
I just watched a documentary on marijuana,
I suggest you watch all documentaries this way.
Fuck the 12
When You Try to Add “two” to a 2
[NSFW] Senior Sex
A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer who was walking by, heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!"
No one could have seen this coming
Every virgin dies, not every virgin truly lives.
How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel?
Their username checks out.
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me…
She said “what are you doing? What is that noise?” I said “I’ve been screwing around behind your back.” She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover. I found it way more entertaining then she did.
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now!!
Republicans really struggle with the difference
Did you know?
Finally we have a name
There’s nothing like the first floor of a house. But the upstairs…
Well that’s a different story.
If Programming Languages Were People
I told my wife she’s been painting her eyebrows on a little too high.
She seemed surprised.
I maked this
Just found two lumps on my car battery
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Commenting Code Be Like
Success is like pregnancy
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got F**ed to achieve it.
Did you know? The wheel was invented in 3,500 BC.
It caused quite the revolution back then.
Dad : “I need to call the doctor today.” Mom : “Which doctor?”
Dad : “No, the regular kind.”
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
I sprayed some deodorant in my mouth.
Now, when I talk, I have this weird Axe-scent
Last night my date asked, “So how come you haven’t already been snapped up?” I replied, “I’ve been married before, but it didn’t work out. She said I was far too inattentive.”
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably."
While studying equilibrium:’)
Extra ketchup pls
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden
To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
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Whats the difference between Me and a Calendar ?
a Calendar has dates.