There’s a dodgy looking man standing by my car with slippers on.
He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Only big brain programmers will understand.
Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?
The most advanced debugging tool on this planet…
Lets not forget Obama’s crimes…
I applied for a job cleaning mirrors.
I can really see myself doing that.
Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means
Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.
Disney is copying Elon. Me angy
I’m seriously thinking of hiring someone to configure my s**t
Cross post time
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
Today a girl kissed me…
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
It’s the truth.
What could be worse than my wife?
A dad is lying on his deathbed with his son standing over him
Son: I’m really gonna miss you, Dad. The dad, with his dying breath, utters, “Hi Really Gonna Miss You, I’m Dad.” A single tear rolls down the son’s cheek
Problem solved guys
Press F to pay respects
Doctor, I have a sexual problem.
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Seen this flag flying a lot lately at quarantine protests… gentle reminder.
Posted by a 45-year old uncle about “his” generation.
It do be like that
i did this with word and power point
Literally bigbrain meme
My glasses are not for sale though
9/11 Jokes aren’t funny.
But the other 2 are.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other…
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Is it just me or are circles pointless
No text found
I’ve just found a cure for anorexia.
It was a piece of cake 🍰!!! 😂
Barber: Mr. Bond, you are turning old and grey. Would you like me to colour your hair?
Janes Bond: No thanks. Dye another day.
All those fancy debuggers, but printf will always be my choice
“Timmy, what’s 119+1?” Asked the teacher.
"5!" Yelled Timmy. "Yes Timmy, that is correct."
Old formats are 69
Stop being such snowflakes
Feel bad laughing at this!
Particle or a wave
What do you call a cow with no legs?
We imported a tree from Canada.
It's pretty oak, eh.
To the hacker who hacked into my reddit account, I will find you.
(Edit: no, you won’t)
Everyone thinks I’m weird because I’m addicted to ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But that’s just Hawaii roll.
Everyone in my twitter feed
MAGA brains out here lacking selfawarness
Why do trees look a little suspicious on sunny days?
They seem a bit shady.
They should put these on commercial airplanes
Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade
He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says, "If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward the hills, knowing he may be leaving his beloved city forever. When on top of the hills, he looks back, just to have one last look at his beloved city. To his surprise he sees a big cloud of dust coming towards him. He waits and soon can make out the shapes of a horseman coming toward him as fast as the poor animal can manage. When the horseman is closer, he can finally see it is none other than his best friend Micheal. Michael stops his horse, still panting "you gave me the wrong keys".
Which pathogen wore it better?
oh we all remember!
CNN’s chyron right now
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
No excuses anymore
An interesting title
I can stop telling dad jokes anytime I want to!
But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.
We all have bills to pay
My daughter FINALLY got an ‘A’ on her essay!!
Only 1,999 more words to go!!
They all float
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot. (I'll show myself out…)
I once thanked a French man to death…
I guess you could call it a merci killing!
How to print new line in Spanish…
I’ll love you forever….
I can’t stand when my wife
tells me to sit
We’re in big trouble
What do judges like to wear?
A law suit
Why do vaccinated kids hate jokes about measles?
They never get them.
My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.