There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.”
“The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.”
“And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison”
You can tell my dog is nervous about being naked all the time.
He can't sweat, but he pants.
I don’t understand Joaquin Phoenix
If Phoenixes can fly why is he Joaquin?
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?” The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a fucking thing.”
I went to a zoo that only had a bunch of pandas
The whole zoo was just one big embarrassment
My girlfriend just asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her
I said- "Back in 02." It sounds much better than "February"
What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?
A re-seeding airline…
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well I’m not gonna spread it!
My computer has a virus and is only showing ads for American Eagle, GAP and Urban Outfitters
I think I'm infected with Mall-Wear
A snake walks into a bar
The bartender asks "How the hell did you do that ?"
What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock’s vagina in Bird Box?
Bandersnatch. I'm sorry.
Why couldn’t the colour blind man sell ice cream?
His cones don’t work.
How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose
what do you call a poor part of a town in Italy
the spaghetto
Dear whoever stole my disc copy of Microsoft office
I will find you. You have my Word.
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
I hope she realises that ‘R’ is constant in the equation but not her boyfriend
https://ift.tt/2tQe5ZT
I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room
Im indiana Jones, Get out
It was Mike the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The lady then added, "The breakfast was my idea."
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
What did the the dog do when he lost his tail?
He went to the retail store
What do you call a snake building its own home?
A boa constructor
You ever hear the one about the bad meat carver?
Yeah me either, he couldn't make the cut.
One day a mother and her 5 yr old daughter
Were sitting at a table doing a puzzle. The daughter looks at her mom and says " mommy you have such pretty hair, but why is some of it white?" Smiling the mother tells her " you see honey, whenever you do something that makes me cry. My hair turns a little more grey." Hearing this her daughter's jaw drops and her eyes go wide as she asks " MOMMY WHAT DID YOU DO TO NANNA?"
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts…
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
Once I saw a man on a bridge about to jump
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What denomination?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
My brother couldn’t pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
Up next: How to sound good in a band…
Stay tuned!!
What’s the difference between a Monk and a Rogue?
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
Two guys are digging to the center of the world.
Eventually one guys looks over and sees the other is just standing there holding a pole. "Wears your shovel?" "Yeah, it sure does."
My cross-eyed girlfriend left me.
She was seeing someone else.
Why should you never buy a dog from a blacksmith???
Because as soon as you take the dog home it makes a bolt for the door.
When a women is giving birth, she’s literally kidding.
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