There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink…
He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.” Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?” She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”
Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand." She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?" To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction."
Must be some kind of milestone…
He was attacked by a giant crab
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a Coconut at his face.
MARIO : why Judge : it’s a fine MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not
An elementary teacher asks her students what they did during recess. Teacher: Johnny what did you do doing recess? Johnny: I played in the sandbox. Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "sand" on the board, you get a cookie. Johnny writes "sand" and gets his cookie. Teacher: Alright Suzie, what did you do? Suzie: I played in the sandbox with Johnny. Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "box" on the board, you get a cookie. Suzie writes "box" and gets her cookie. Teacher: Jamal, what did you do? Jamal: Well, I tried to play with Johnny and Suzie, but they kicked sand in my face. Teacher: Oh no, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can write "blatant racial discrimination" on the board, you get a cookie.
Their only drawback is the string.
but it was all just smoke and mirrors.
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux!
You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
I can tell just by looking at them
I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis Edit: some of us don't spend our lives on r/jokes and as such don't realise things are reposts.
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
because everyone's already Redd-it
But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
Tell him Obama put it in
I can't tell you how much this award means to me.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
He sat there sunbathing, for the sake of civility and to protect them from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts. A women came by and smirked “If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat” He replied “If you weren’t so ugly it would lift itself” EDIT: Y’all so sensitive if the genders were reversed you would say the guy is harassing the girl
All that was left was de Brie.
Once the clothes came off she said to me "You have the biggest dick I have ever laid my hands on" I said, "Stop pulling my leg."
Because he lost his patients .
Swans listened to her rock and roll