There‘s always at least one
If you’ve spent ages figuring out how to keep herbs and spices on your belt loop…
…you've waisted thyme.
I can cut wood by looking at it
I saw it with my own eyes
Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self…
I have selfish steam issues.
I love jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said,
"Son, you know that one would have been enough."
News paper comics can be funny sometimes but they’re easily subject to boomers.
https://ift.tt/2wT7Fdw
I was at a bar when
A woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”
My 8 year old cousin: ” Why did the chicken cross the road?”
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,
"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?" She said, "Do you like sex?" I said, "Of course I like sex." She said, "Do you like to travel?" I said, "Yeah, I love to travel." She said, "Then fuck off."
I identify as an elongated fish.
People say I'm mentally eel.
Why are IRS employees always tired when they get home?
Their jobs are taxing.
Coronavirus cases in North Korea update:
8:00: 1 8:10: 0 9:23: 1 9:28: 0 0:13: 1 0:20 0 1:47: 1 1:55: 0
These days you can’t even say “blackboard” anymore.
The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a scandal.
Elongate would really stretch on.
I have a friend that is very wealthy and loves to flaunt his possessions.
So much so that it can rub some people the wrong way. He invited my wife and I out for a vacation to his lake house. At one point he had us walk down to the lake so we could see his latest purchase. As he gloated about his new watercraft, my wife whispered to me, “He’s getting on my nerves.” I replied, “Don’t mind him; he’s just show boating.”
Nice Dad
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home. Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
After I broke my arm, my buddy wrote down all of my homework assignments on my elbow cast.
It really classed up the joint.
“As has often been noted, physics is to math what sex is to masturbation”
Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?" Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."
Masturbating
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
Why did the man blush when he opened the refrigerator?
He saw the salad dressing.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.
I said, “Wait, I can change.”
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
What did 1 eye say to the other
Between you and me something smells.
Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking
Where the fuck is my roof?
Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn’t move
Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this online it's called buffering
If all ‘t’s were silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
Why is Kim Jong Un so cruel?
Because he doesn't have a Seoul.
What does a cardiologist like for dinner?
Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s hearty.
Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,
so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.
A man walks into a suit shop…
[M] And asks to try on some of the suits. The salesman obliges and gives him some options. The customer, however, hates all the options and after an hour of trying them on, throws the suits down in disgust. “These are all terrible!” The customer cries. Exasperated, the salesman throws his hands in the air and says, “Fine, suit yourself!”
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
My wife was mad at me for kicking ice cubes under the refrigerator,
but now it's just water under the fridge.
Never have sex with a wizard…
I did once and I got Hogwarts. Now they won't quidditching.
William Shakespeare was deciding what pencil to use
2B or not 2B
Yo mama so ugly…
she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!
