There’s no money for the poor, only for the rich
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?
The stock market!
How do you drown a hipster?
you throw him into the mainstream
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes…
It’s like shooting fish in apparel…
Long one, sorry.
Once upon a time there was a little town called Trid. The Trids were an industrious people who traded with other towns outside of their little valley. One day, a giant appeared on the hilltops surrounding Trid. Every time a trade caravan would leave, the giant would kick them back down the hill. Over the days, the Trids began to grow afraid that they would starve without their bustling trade economy, so they held a town meeting to figure out what to do about the giant. They decided to try and reason with him before they would fight him, and that the wisest among them should go out the following day. Unanimously, they elected the town Rabbi as the wisest man. So the next day, the Rabbi went out to speak to the giant. He got kicked back down the hills before he could even say a word. He went up a second time with the same result. Although battered and bruised, he tried one last time. Before the giant could kick him he yelled out, "Stop!" And the giant actually stopped. "What is it?" the giant asked. "I'm the local Rabbi and I represent the Trids" the Rabbi replied. "We want to you to stop kicking us down the hills or we'll starve. Will you stop kicking us?" The giant looked down at him with a gleam in his eyes and a slight smile on his lips and said, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up so early in the morning?
To beat the crowd.
My dad has a heart of a lion
and a lifetime ban from the zoo
My wife treats me as if I’m a god.
She acts like I don't exist until she wants something.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
Heard about the man who painted his scrotum?
Pretty nuts
What do you get if you cross a sheep dog with a daisy?
A Collie-flower!
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl…
…that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing. "Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand" A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?" The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."
How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?
Also why is water so fuckin scary?
I proposed to a mime today,
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?" Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
I’ve been diagnosed with the fear of giants…
…feefiphobia
There is a nudist club meeting on next Saturday.
I might go if I have nothing on.
Why don’t you see brown envelopes in the mail anymore?
Because everyone knows white mails get through the system faster.
Never try to fight a dinosaur…
You’ll get Jurasskiced
Another film has been released about a barrier in India.
It's a Sikh wall.
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform,
I thought it was a bit odd. Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.
Why don’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our ratings. One star.
Three samurais compete with each other
Three samurais are sitting around a camp fire when suddenly, one boasts. "I am the world's best swordsman!" – he stands up, whips out his sword and cut a fly in half. The second samurai says,"No, I'm the best." and he sees a fly -his sword flashes twice- then the fly falls into 4 pieces. The third samurai, wanting to prove them both wrong says "Hold my sake.". He stands, slashes at a fly… and the fly continued flying. The first two samurais erupted into laughter – but the third explains "That poor fly, he can never have sex again!"
I asked my Mom if I was ugly…
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a new revolving chair. But then she sat on it.
Eventually she came around.
Some cities have bathrooms that you pay to use.
You could say they are charging a Pee-mium.
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Cascading opinion
Because downvotes are very offensive.
3 blondes are lost in the desert
They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles. Luckily, a fakir just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish." The first blonde wished she was an excellent swimmer. And with a snap of the fakir's fingers, her physique changed. She ran off and tried to cross the river, but the crocodiles ate her quickly. The second blonde had to rethink, and decided to ask for a rowing boat, as swimming proved to be no option. Without hesitation a rowing boat appeared before their eyes. She got in, and rowed across. But when she was barely halfway across, the crocodiles broke enough of her boat to let it sink, and she too was eaten. The third blonde had to think really hard. (Mind you, she took her time.) After a while, she exclaimed: "You know, I always wanted to try a different hair colour." and as soon as she was finished talking, her hair colour changed to brown. "OH!" she then said "Look over there, a bridge."
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie. The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye the oceans were teeming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I wish for a great wall around England, protecting her, and all the foreigners were gone". With a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around England and all foreigners disappeared. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Ach, double the size of it and fill it up with water."
My family and friends all laughed when I told them that one day, I would discover the secrets of invisibility…
If only they could see me now…
A child asks his father what “gay” means
The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in.
I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT THAT I KNIGHTED AN ELECTRIC FISH…..
IT WAS SIR EEL
