There’s only so many lawyers ….
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year. So check your facts.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
He nuts and bolts.
I'd have to change my name
But I'm clean now.
It was horrible, nothing left but de Brie.
Nobody could remember her face
Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.
She’s still not talking to me.
He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.
As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.
On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day, but on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
Decided to build them a house to live in and charge them rent. Now I collect rent from my tenants
“Sorry, my fault.”
Yeah me either, he couldn't make the cut.
Raise my hand. (Celebrating my first Father’s Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)
At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Doctor : i had to remove your colon. Me why
But none of them work.
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
If it sinks, it's a girl ant If it floats, it's buoyant.
When a British person gets a really good look at something.
Now made with 98% recycled content.
He was having an eggs and stencils crisis.
A man and his date were parked on a back road at night, far away from prying eyes when his date stopped him from going any further.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
The DNA all matches There are no dental records
Is it a hymn or a her?
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that? His father replied, Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."