There’s only so many lawyers ….
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
People say circumcision doesn’t hurt, but i have to disagree.
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year. So check your facts.
My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in bed all day
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
To be frank,
I'd have to change my name
I use to be addicted to tide pods.
But I'm clean now.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
It was horrible, nothing left but de Brie.
A naked woman robbed a bank
Nobody could remember her face
My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.
Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.
My girlfriend asked me to pass her the lip balm, I gave her superglue by mistake.
She’s still not talking to me.
What kind of jokes are allowed in quarantine?
Inside jokes
My neighbour’s 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type for the blood transfusion
As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.
![[O]f [C]ourse](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/0taecne88fh41-400x318.png)
What’s the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?
On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day, but on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
Saw 10 homeless ants
Decided to build them a house to live in and charge them rent. Now I collect rent from my tenants
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
“Sorry, my fault.”
You ever hear the one about the bad meat carver?
Yeah me either, he couldn't make the cut.
Who here believes in telekinesis?
Raise my hand. (Celebrating my first Father’s Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)
My daughter thinks I’m overprotective and nosy
At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
puntastic
Doctor : i had to remove your colon. Me why
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
What haunts a chicken coop?
Poultrygeist
My 8 year old cousin: ” Why did the chicken cross the road?”
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
How do you identify the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant If it floats, it's buoyant.
How would you define propaganda?
When a British person gets a really good look at something.
This Earth Day, join us at r/jokes as we celebrate being the most eco-friendly subreddit
Now made with 98% recycled content.
My son was crying today because he spilled his scrambled eggs all over his art supplies.
He was having an eggs and stencils crisis.
A man and his date were parked on a back road at night, far away from prying eyes when his date stopped him from going any further.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Why was the vegan afraid of outer space?
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder
The DNA all matches There are no dental records
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.
Is it a hymn or a her?
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that? His father replied, Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Did you hear the one about the Jew?
Israeli funny
