There’s this kid named Tommy. He has no body. He is just a head.
Tommy was born without a body or any limbs, so his entire life he has existed as a head only– he learned to roll around, use his mouth to maneuver things, and live just like a normal kid.
One day Tommy rolled into school just like any other day, banged against his locker to open it, started to get his books when, all of a sudden, he spots a new student.
Tommy thinks she's absolutely beautiful. Her hair is perfect, her body is amazing (which Tommy slightly envied, but had gotten over those thoughts mostly by now), and she had an amazing sense of fashion. There was just one thing off about this girl though; she only had one eye, and in place of her other eye was a prosthetic eye made of wood. It didn't even look like a real eye, it just looked wooden.
Tommy saw her and his jaw dropped to the floor– "What's her name?" He asked a friend.
"Oh, her? That's Sally, the girl with a wooden eye."
Tommy saw past her wooden eye and was starstruck ever since he first laid eyes on Sally. He made it his mission to ask Sally to prom.
Weeks later, Tommy finally gathered the courage to ask his crush the big question. He rolled up to her in the cafeteria and said, "Hey Sally, I'm Tommy. I was wondering if you wanted to go to Prom with me?"
Sally looked down at him for a second, and said, " Uhmm.. I'm sorry Tommy.. I don't think so."
This devastated Tommy. He had felt all sorts of pain and denial in his life from not having a body. He knew what rejection and denial felt like having been left out of all the activities full bodied people could do. But nothing hurt quite as much as this. His heart was shattered. And then Tommy turned into a grape.
So now Tommy is a grape, just rolling around school, and he is depressed like never before. People see Tommy and notice that something is off with him. He's so depressed, that he turned into a grape.
Sally sees this and begins to feel really bad. "Was I too harsh?" she asked a friend, " Maybe I should go try to make it up to him." Now Sally made it her mission to ask Tommy to the prom, and hopefully he would return to normal.
After school, Sally went by Tommy's house and knocked on the door. Tommy answered, and she was surprised for a second that a grape could answer the door– but nonetheless, she moved forward with her mission.
"Tommy, I wanted to ask you something… Would you go to prom with me?"
Tommy didn't believe his ears for a second– the most beautiful girl he had ever seen had just asked him to the prom! Without thinking, he replied,
"Oh wood eye, wood eye!"
Sally was offended and crushed him.
The moral of the story: Stop while you're a head.
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers “Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”
I cannot eat shrimp, lobsters and clams that have been cooked by heated water vapor….
I have shellfish steamed issues.
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
To save his business, my butcher is trying an experimental process where he gives his cows magic mushrooms before slaughtering them.
Let's just say…the steaks are high.
Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.
Runs in the family.
Dad does dementia run in the family?
"I don't remember." (Offical dad joke from my dad)
I bought my teenager candles for his room.
It’s pretty lit.
A new study has found that white envelopes tend to be delivered faster than envelopes of any other colour
I guess you could say that there's… white mail privilege
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
i think i’m part of the demographic that made yellow paint a thing
i think i’m part of the demographic that made yellow paint a thing
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.
She asked how warm is it inside. I said Lukewarm.
“From a neighbor who posts dad jokes on little signs in his front yard. Started during the isolation to cheer up the community”
“COVID19 DAY20 Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know”
My son got me good. I build websites for a living. He told me he didn’t like the one I was working on, and I should have let a spider do it.
You know. “Cause spiders are naturally good web designers.”
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Shop Worker: No, I think its aluminium Me: So there's no nickel in this cage? PSW: Don't do it Me: It's a nickeless cage PSW: LEAVE!
What jokes are allowed during quarantine?
inside jokes 😀
2 guys were eating breakfast together
"Do you want some of my bacon?" "No thanks I'm Jewish" "Don't worry it's free"
Wife asked me if it was just her, or if the cat was getting fat.
Apparently it is just you was not the correct response n
Why are all the black guys afraid of the white guy in prison?
Cause they know he actually did it.
What do we want?
Hearing aids! When do we want them! Hearing aids!
Patient: I’m afraid of the vertical Axis.
Therapist: Why ? Patient: Yes!
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What’s 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?
The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.
Why doesn’t the bullet have a steady job
Because it keeps getting fired
I don’t know why Marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk…
He's basically a giant banner.
4 people on a raft each have a cigarette but no way to light them. One of them throws their cigarette over board..
And the raft becomes a cigarette lighter
A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.
He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!" St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?" God says, "Yep." Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle surfaces. The ball bounces off the turtle's shell and gets another hundred yards. Just as its about to stop rolling, a squirrel runs over and grabs the ball before being immediately snatched by a gorgeous red tail hawk. The hawk flies him off and just over the green the squirrel drops the ball. The ball hits the green, rolls and falls in the hole. Most amazing par five hole-in-one in history. St. Peter, astonished says, "You call that punishment?" God replies, "Yep. There was nobody around to see it."
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an essay