There’s way too much going on here
I don’t want to Spoonfeed…
but I like my words to be spelt in reverse alphabetical order.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids…
I'm a faux pa.
I once wanted to do biochem research… Turns out I didn’t pass the vibe check.
https://ift.tt/38nW58h
There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter
The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it. He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be protecting the princess. He warned them not to touch her. When he returned, he called the 3 knights in. He told the first knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He then told the second knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He finally told the third knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was in place! The king said, "Good knight, you have proven yourself to be loyal and true! Name your reward and it shall be granted!" The knight said: "Eywanmytonbac!"
How do you feed 1000 people with one loaf of bread?
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread. Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter.
Golfing with a hitman
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them. "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up". Sure, they said, you’re welcome. So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" I’m a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!” was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here". So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom". "Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her……He's naked, too!!! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" “Sure, what do you want?” "First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. “Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . . "I think I can save ya a grand here."
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform,
I thought it was a bit odd. Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.
A girl sleeps with a bunch of dudes and she’s a slut. But what’s a man who does the same thing?
Gay. Definitely at least a little gay.
A Roman walks in a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says:
"I'll have 5 beer please."
When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend,
but it was just my imagine Asian.
I never wanted to believe that my father stole from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night…
I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?
By your excuses combined, I have zero responsibility! Total authority is mine!
https://ift.tt/2VKNxUV
My wife said she was leaving me because, “I can’t do anything right when it comes to housework!” Selfish woman!!
It took me hours to mop that carpet!!
I’ll never forget my grandpa’s last words
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high…
She seemed surprised
Before the crowbar was invented
Crows had to drink at home
Tried to grab the fog this morning
unfortunately, I mist.
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.
Bear with me here…
… what should I feed it?
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation…
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
Oops, wrong place for this post