These are the kind of gay jokes that are funny
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
My girlfriend used to be a hoe but she got fat
Now she's a shovel
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy put his hands in the pockets of his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.” “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.” “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.” “After that,” the old rich man continued, “I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on.” “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
If you are on a blind date, try using one of the jokes you read on this sub as an icebreaker.
That way, you can make sure they’re not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.
The person who invented hand sanitiser…
She must be really rubbing her hands together now!
What did one Italian say to another when fighting?
‘You wanna pizza me?’
I went to get tornado insurance for my camp site, but the bank refused.
They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”
Two Jehovah’s Witnesses die and go to Heaven.
As they're knocking at the Pearly Gates, St Peter turns around and whispers… "Turn out the lights and everybody be quiet!! Maybe they'll think we're not home."
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
What do u call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer
So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer…
The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer. Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says: — What, have you never seen a naked woman before? — That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers.
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
What do you call two oranges rubbing together?
Pulp Friction
Confucious say a man who runs in front of bus gets tired.
A man who runs behind gets exhausted.
Why would T. Rex struggle to play the piano?
They’re extinct.
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
NSFW can you give someone a skin graft from your butt?
Ass skin for a friend
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him
“I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?” The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
What Fish work in hospitals?
Sturgeons.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
I don’t know any dean jokes.
No text found
When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
“I’m sorry,” said the barman, “we don’t serve time travellers.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.
I was going to post a joke about deja vu.
But I feel like it’s been posted here before.
Why was the poker player’s closet messy?
Because he never wanted to fold
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
My wife to our son, “Go brush your teeth with your sister”
Me from the other room, "No, use a toothbrush".
What do you call a prearranged rap battle?
A diss appointment.
What does Trump call kayaks?
Fake canoes
An African woman called Betty came into the restaurant.
Asked if we had chicken? I replied, “no, black Betty It’s ham or lamb.”