These boomer memes are really… Blowing Up!
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now he’s Aware Wolf!
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but this is fucking ridiculous.
Got the best compliment from my doctor today
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
Confucius knew the answers to all of life’s questions.
The same cannot be said of his twin brother, Confusion.
Why was the broom late to work?
It overswept
Condoms do not Guarantee safe sex
Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the women’s husband came home and shot him dead
The Hindenburg
Edit: Wow! I didn't know this would blow up!
What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?
They both barely cover the asshole
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were walking through their underground city.
They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One man with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached. "Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause?" he half-shouted at her. The mother held up her hand and tried to pass, but the protester blocked her and continued, "It is imperative that we evacuate the colony! Did you know that the dirt we live in, that we raise our children in, contains magnesium and aluminum? And God knows what else!" Again, she politely but firmly shook her head and pulled her daughter along, as the protester shouted after her, "You owe it to your children to evacuate now!!" After they got some distance, the young ant looked up worriedly at her mother. "Was that man right, momma? Are we in danger?" The mother smiled at her daughter. "No, sweetheart. Don't worry. Just because they use big words to try to scare us, doesn't mean the Ant Evacs movement knows what it's talking about."
Yesterday I watched a match of women’s volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.
But by tomorrow I should be fine again.
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.
However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.
I’ll tell you a corona virus joke now…
But you will have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
A man runs out of petrol
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window. "What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee. "I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. `"Try it now,'' said the bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?'' "BP,'' answered the bee.
Did you hear about the farmer that won a Nobel Prize?
He was out standing in his field.
Did you hear about the guy that got hit with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink
Why do hobbit holes only have one entrance?
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Mandatory temperature screening will be required for fans attending the Foreigner reunion concert.
If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see.
I watched my first porno film last week….
I looked so much younger then.
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing….
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing. So one night the elder makes a plan, "this morning at breakfast, I'll say damn and you say fuck" the younger agrees and they go to bed eager for the next morning. Breakfast time comes and their mother ask what they'd like to eat. The older brother says "I'd like some damn cheerios!" The mother slaps him so hard he's knocked out of his seat. She turns to the younger and says "well what about you?" He says "well I'm sure as fuck not asking for cheerios."
Different Boobs and Dicks
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Why are so many plants transgendered?
Because plants have less stygma to stamen.
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes up with a “breakfast for champions” in front of him, and he is like… what???…
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes up with a "breakfast for champions" in front of him, and he is like… what???… He looks down to his in-bed breakfast and sees waffles, scrambled eggs with bacon, a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, an ice cold beer, a couple of aspirins, and a note that simply says "love you". He stumbles outside the room and sees broken glass, a broken lamp, mud (or vomit) in the carpet, half the clothes he was wearing the day before stinking of alcohol and cigarette laying in the floor… he has no idea what happened, so he calls for his son. "where is your mom?" He asks. "she went to the store to get a new door lock" The kid answers. "ok… do you know what happened yesterday?" "i sure do" says the kid; "you came home at around 5am drunk off your mind, you parked the car in the front lawn, after doing a couple of doughnuts on the front lawn with the car, then, you couldnt fit the key on the front door, and started knocking the door really hard and yelling for us to open, waking the neighbors that where still not awake because of the car parking, but you didnt wait for us, so you ended up kicking open the door after failing to force your way in…" "…afterwards, you stumbled into the table at the entrance breaking the lamp grandma left mom before she passed away…" "…after that, you tried to go up the stairs, and knocked off the wall most of the framed pictures we had hanging, thats when you vomited all over yourself." "So, what happened then?" asked the still hung over man. "Me and mom reached you half way up the stairs and understood you couldnt be talked to, so we dragged you up the stairs, by then you where trying to undress yourself, but couldnt really do it. You only got half your shirt off so mom unbuttoned the rest and then reached for your pants…" "And then what happened????" "Well, mom was trying to take your vomit soaked pants off when you very strongly pushed her aside, and yelled, "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU WHORE! IM A MARRIED MAN!" just before blacking out.
I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.
I am now independent.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
It’s amazing how Seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid December and I’m freezing…
But apparently back in the England it's the end of May.
A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.
"I'm a turtle", he says. "Oh… who's on your back?" "That's Michelle", he replies.
The other day a friend of mine told me a really bad gravity joke.
I still fell for it though
How do you get America to enter a World War?
Tell them it's almost over