These captchas are getting out of hand
Four-year-old son unknowingly got me with this one
Me: We need to put on our jackets because it's a little cold outside today. Son after stepping outside: No Dad, it's a big cold
Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?
So when they dock, they can scandinavian.
Putin on a trip.
Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked: Agent: age? Putin: 66 Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help…
…but I stand corrected.
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely…
…if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Does anyone know if its possible to get a skin graft from my butt to a close acquaintance?
Arse skin for a friend.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
I hate my job.
My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day. Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.
No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.
Insulting bus driver.
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas!
I once asked a taxidermist what he does for a living.
"Oh you know….stuff. "
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion
They would call it crucifact.
Whats the rudest type of elf?
A gofuckyourself.
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here.
What do you call a bigoted fashion designer?
Clothes-minded.
What are some funny fake user agents I could use to mess with our IT guys?
What would confuse the guys that build our app the most? IE 5.5 for Mac? Mosaic 0.9 on a PlayStation? An LG fridge?
To be frank
I’ll have to change my name.
Why are there two d’s in reddit?
The second one is a repost.
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You're… an ambulance? DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son […dies]
Interrupting Cow Adaptation
Knock-Knock "who's there?" Interrupting Snail. "Interrupting snail wh-" SNAIL.
Everyone knows masturbation is a touchy subject.
But oral sex? That's just a matter of taste.
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)
"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?" "Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years."
My sister bet me $15 I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
As a spanish speaking dude I really appreciate when people approach me and say “mucho”.
It means a lot to me.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
Being ugly every day sucks.
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime. It's cake and y'all know the rules!
My marriage just ended because I didn’t open the door for my wife.
I swam for the surface instead
