These commercials scare the fuck outta me
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn't like to be spotted.
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
What do you call 100 rabbits in a line running backwards?
A receding hair line.
Joke
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
A man decides to buy a parrot
A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot. The clerk responds, "ah exellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000." Startled the man remarks that this seams like a high price for a bird. "Well you see this is a special parrot, it can answer the phone and make appointments for you." The man is very impressed by this but decides to look at the other two as well. "This one here goes for $20,000 since it is excellent at sales and will actually make money for you." Astounded at the skills of these birds the man can hardly wait to find out about the final parrot. "Lastly this parrot is priced at $50,000." The man is practically knocked over by this outlandish price and asks what it does that could possibly make it worth so much money. "I don't know but the other two call it boss."
I just flew in from Chernobyl
And boy are my arms legs
At an interview I was asked to describe myself in 1 word.
I said "good listener"
I was so thankful to come across a man selling his junk in the middle of the desert.
But it turned out to be a mirage sale.
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
My boss stormed over and yelled, “What the heck are you doing? Put some backbone into it!”
I hate working at the McDonald's factory…
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.
A pretty girl kissed me today
I wish I could post this in another subreddit.
Why is suicide illegal in china?
Destruction of state property
Among all the politically incorrect jokes I know, here’s my favourite:
Benjamin Franklin was the greatest US President.
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex…
Would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. A bystander quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei. The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?" "It's hard to say." . . Co-written by M0ng078
Luke:”Yoda, are we heading the right direction?”
Yoda:”Off course, we are.”
Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
I have to tell someone about this because I’m at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they’re to young to understand my best dad joke ever.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!…..IT WAS TRIX!
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work. She didn’t respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk…
And the result was staggering.
A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive
"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!" "Then why are Androids so much cheaper?", asked the journalist. "Because," said Tim Cook, "an Android replaces just one device. The iPhone."
i was going to say a joke about a blunt spear
but i don't see the point
I feel like it’s time for the annual update of these meme
I feel like it’s time for the annual update of these meme
Women treat me like God.
My existence is ignored except for when they need something.
Reverse cowgirl is set to be outlawed in Alabama.
Cause you don't turn your back on family.
Social Distancing Pickup Lines
If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I? Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket are you happy to be within 6 ft of me? Can't spell virus without U and I. Do you need toilet paper cuz I can be your Prince Charmin. I saw you checking me out from across the bar, stay there. Hey Baby! Can I ship you a drink? Can't spell quarantine without U R A Q T. credit: some facebook post i saw.