These fast food places need more signs
How quickly did the costume store employees clean up the sombrero spill?
At the drop of a hat!
DJT: We need free speech on college campuses. For conservatives. Who won’t boo me.
https://ift.tt/2K2Mtps
A Transgender goes to a dominatrix
The dominatrix never had a transgender client before, but she was a professional, over 5 years in the field, so she decided to agree to take the job. On the first day, she asked: "How should I refer to you, what pronoun do you go by?" Trans person: "Them". And as time goes by they keep talking and getting to know each other, they even tell jokes. After a couple sessions the trans person says "Hey can you tell me that joke you told yesterday again? It was hilarious!", the dom says sure and tells the joke again, but unsure what's funny about hearing the same joke twice. They keep meeting up, having a laugh, all the while engaging in dom sex. After a few weeks of this, the dominatrix is at a coffee shop with her friend when the trans client shows up and says hi. Her friend, surprised, asks "How do you know him?" "They're a client" the dom replied, "but they have a weird fetish" "What is it?" asked the friend, leaning in to hear some gossip "This sub loves when you tell them the same jokes every day!" Edit: consistency with pronouns
This guy walked up to the counter and said ‘Burger and chips please,’
'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?' 'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
The mob may be the mother of tyrants, but Judas also claimed to be a brother to Jesus.
https://ift.tt/3drAqOT
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
My dyslexia teacher stole my Volkswagen Golf.
What a stupid old gti.
Who’s Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, “Remember Leonardo Di Caprio.”
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police." I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man. I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
1,000,000
^ That's a one in a million.
To the individual who stole my glasses…
I will find you. I have contacts.
A farmer isn’t just good at his job…
He’s out standing in his field. Edit: Wow, my first ever silver! Thanks guys.
Saw an ad for a DeLorean with low milage…
…said it was only used from time to time.
Two Dragons walk into a bar
Dragon 1: It's hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
Put it in water If it sinks girl ant If it floats boyant
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
[NSFW] I got a sweater for my birthday.
I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.
A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.
"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold." The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view." The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two." "That's fine," the man replies. "For my second wish, I'd like to have $20 million." "Granted, but your mother-in-law will have $40 million." The man nods. "And your final wish?" the genie asks. "For my final wish," the man begins, "I want you to scare me half to death."
Some alligators can grow up to 15 feet.
Most only have 4 though.
“Doc, all my 5 kids want to be valets when they grow up!”
Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
Dust
[Removed]
I just bought a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people
Now I am at the hospital.
What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok…
Why do programmers think Halloween and Christmas are the same?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls.
Sadly, I was in the women’s bathroom.
I yelled “cow!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger.
Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
