These fireworks are so annoying
It's all I've heard all year
A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instructed. Every morning for the rest of his life, he added a pinch of gun powder to his oatmeal. He grew up, lived happily, enjoyed perfect health, and died at the ripe old age of 107. According to the story in the newspaper, he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
Currently staying at a hotel with my dad. Next to the parking lot there’s a sign that says “pet grounds”, pointing to where you can walk your dog. My dad reads it aloud, “pet grounds”, so I say “alright then”. I crouched down, pet the grass a little bit and said, “good grounds”. Got a good laugh out of it.
Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."
Other than jumping to conclusions.
A doctor had a good reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you." "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios… "
I need an answer like RIGHT NOW!!!
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish." The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune." The Irishman replies, "I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune." The Welshman answers, "I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir." The Scotsman says quickly, "I'd like to be shot first."
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat. Pope: Sorry about the mix up. Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven. Clinton: Why's that? Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Clinton: You're a day late.
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
A rip off
He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.
Which is better than suffering from really good ones.
My middle child, who loves rice, declined the yellow rice we offered him because apparently he only likes one type of rice. Without missing a beat my daughter (11 y/o) exclaimed, "stop being rice-ist." My job is done, clearly there is no more I can teach her.
They will be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.
No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”
The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.
When I was a young man in in Army Cadets, we had big ornamental robot that we called ‘old-iron-sides’ with a big brass bugle that would play all the calls to the troops. In the morning it would play ‘reveille’ to wake, ‘mess call’ for meals, ‘drill call’ to assemble in the square, etc. We all got so used to these queues that we relied to them to know what to do at each time of the day. Until one day iron robot was silent and everyone was disoriented, not knowing when to get up, go eat or start a drill. Finally, I went to ask my commanding officer why there were no calls. He said “He’s taking a vacation day”. So I guess it was the Ferrous Bugler's day off.
A friend of mine was killed last night. I came here for some relief from the grief and you all helped me so I thought I’d share my favorite joke.
It's important that you use a southern accent in your mind 😉 Jim Bob and John Boy were sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow. On the road at the edge of their property they see a Volkswagen sputter to a stop. They head out to it and see a pretty woman looking at the engine and scratching her head. Jim Bob "What's the problem miss?" Lady "I don't know maybe you can tell?" Jim Bob and John Boy take a look and find the radiator hose is broken and tell her. Lady "Is there someplace nearby I can get it fixed" John Boy "The nearest place is about six miles down the road but it's after five so it's already closed." Lady "Is there a motel nearby that I can stay the night?" Jim Bob "The nearest place is about three miles down the road but our truck is broked so we can't take you there." Lady "Well can I stay at your place for the night?" John Boy "Sure but we only have one bed." Lady "That's O.K., I just need a place to stay." After dinner they went to bed, the lady in the middle started to play with their penises. As they became erect she reaches into her purse whips out a couple of condoms and hands them to Jim Bob and John Boy. Jim Bob "What are these things for?" Lady "These are so I don't get pregnant." They all have sex for a couple hours and in the morning they call the tow truck and send her on her way. About six months later Jim Bob and John Boy are sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow… Jim Bob "Do you really care if that woman gets pregnant?" John Boy "No." Jim Bob "THEN LET'S TAKE THESE THINGS OFF!" Thank again for cheering me up 🙂
Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the women’s husband came home and shot him dead
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
Now don't tell me that's just a coincidence.
My wife and I were talking about people owning strange animals and she said, “I’ve always wanted to get a manatee.”
I said, “Thank you very much, I’ll have it with milk and two sugars please.”
You can unscrew a lightbulb
Turned on On my lap Virus free
Damn boobie traps