These Hypocritical politicians voted against paid sick leave
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?" Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
What’s bigger than a tow truck?
A foot truck!
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer “That’ll be five dollars”, says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.
The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc. The next day, again. On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!" The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."
Your essays should be like a girls skirt.
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and up on my desk by Friday midnight.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
What’s the difference between in-laws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?
It’s open Mike night!
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater
What do you call an Irishman flying an airplane?
Éire O'Dynamic
Orion’s belt is a big waist of space.
Ok, it's not that funny, only a 3 star joke
I tried to makeup a joke about shopping.
Does discount?
My wife thinks I should sing Solo
Solo that no one will hear me
The world’s largest egg is laid by the Ostrich…
And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.
While applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I replied, " No, is that still required?"
I almost got caught stealing a board game today…
But it was a Risk I was willing to take
An invisible man marries an invisible woman…
The kids weren't much to look at!
On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, “What did you think of me when you first met me?”
The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
POV: you’re playing summer time saga and you take the eve path
POV: you’re playing summer time saga and you take the eve path
How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who needs lightbulbs when you have eight candles?
I’m not sure if my ceiling is the best i’ve ever had
but it's certainly up there.
What did the atom say when it kept losing electrons?
I really need to keep an ion them.
I’ll never let my children watch the orchestra
There’s way too much sax and violins
Why can’t Usain Bolt listen to music while running?
Because he keeps breaking the record.
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
What do you call a Christian Game developed by Ubisoft?
Apostles Creed.
![[X-post] political humor](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/8gmk12ef78v41-400x324.jpg)
If It’s True About Their Aim, I Won’t Mind Having Them On My Side
If It’s True About Their Aim, I Won’t Mind Having Them On My Side
A magician escaped a police car chase by entering a neighborhood…
And turning into a driveway.
My girlfriend doesn’t like to argue about Indian food.
She's pretty naan confrontational.
There was recently a new type of mite discovered, and its existence might date back to prehistoric times
They're naming it dinomite
People write “congrats” because
they don't know how to spell congrajlashins.
Never treat a woman like an object…
It hates that.
Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful
The first brother is the strongest. "Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood. "What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that mansion over there?" "Yeah?" "Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead." "Wow!" his brothers say. "As expected, for you are the strongest." The second brother to go is the oldest. "Watch and learn, boys," he says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour. Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood. "What happened?!" His brothers exclaimed. "You see that village over there?" "Yeah?" They said. "Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive." "Wow!" his brothers say in awe. "As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience." The third brother is the fastest. Not to be outdone, he says "Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it." He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at least 200mph. In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck are covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt. "What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that giant tree over there?" "…Yeah?" "Well I sure fuckin' didn't."
Donald Trump
[removed]
dating me
pros and cons of dating me pros : dating cons: me
Whenever I undress in my bathroom,
my shower gets turned on.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
Action Jackson can’t cry! That’s what’s goin’ down! ~Kirk Lazarus
Action Jackson can’t cry! That’s what’s goin’ down! ~Kirk Lazarus
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?
So they can see the battlefield.