These kind of captions make me so genuinely angry.
I was not ready.
(Walmart, son, stranger interaction.) Son: hi, I got a haircut. Stranger: looks like you got more than just one. Son: (silence) Me: bent over losing it
Baler Swift
Baler Swift
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from jail?
A small medium at large
A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.
They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
What’s the most sarcastic body of water on earth?
The Crimea River.
I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
One of my favourite words in the English language is “frequently”.
I try to use it as often as possible.
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer…
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
A snake walks into a bar..
And the bartender says "how the fuck did you do that"
This sub is going downhill
https://i.imgur.com/CJaxoIO.jpg
A young woman was so depressed with her life that she decided to end it by throwing herself into the ocean.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "Moreover, I'm lonely too and need someone to love me." The girl understood what he meant. But she nodded yes; after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her food and wine and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's fucking me." The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry."
We don’t need facemasks for corona anymore
we can use coughy filters
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back
My male friend with two red headed parents got turned into a cookie today
Not much has changed though, he’s still a ginger-bred man.
Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom”.
Husband: "Take the car next time, silly!"
I just realized my countertop is made of marble..
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
If I started a band called “Ceiling”…
Would that make the people who enjoy my music “Ceiling Fans”?
I got a job as a bullet
I was fired immediately
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night
Not Happy
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
Got thrown out a Strip club last night for using monopoly money
I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.