These mf always ripping people off.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow.
I hardly know her!
It confuses me and I’m pretty sure it’s all the same.
The punchline is too long.
My happiness quickly turned to disappointment when I found all the comic books I ordered were missing the last page…
So now I have to draw my own conclusions…
B – Bad R – At O – Acronyms K – E –
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
Sinko de mayo !!!!!!!
MARIO : why Judge : it’s a fine MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
If we don’t get some support around here, people are gonna think we’re nuts!
He said I have a weekend immune system.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.
So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?! NEEEEYOOOOOOOOW
He was waiting for good dough.
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "I think the stubble suits you!"
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are standing, watching a street performer do some juggling.
The performer notices they have a rather poor view, so stands on a large box, asking 'Can you see me better now?' They reply: 'Yes' 'Oui' 'Si' 'Ja'
He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him. The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes. The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?" The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me." The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?" The guy says "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun." The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God." The guys goes "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."
But i didn't think it wood work.
if you guessed "heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you are wrong. The answer is "nun of the above" !
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
None, he “fell”
I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.
I can't express how that makes me feel.
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"