These puns are really ramping up!
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
The waitress came over and saw my leftovers and asked, “do ya wanna box for that?”
I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
I couldnāt follow the storyline of Stephen Kingās āItā
Too many Maine characters.
Just as I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Reddit was down this morning
Leaving millions of workers nothing to do except their jobs
6:30 is the best time of day.
Hands down.
My cross-eyed girlfriend left me.
She was seeing someone else.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything
Might be the first meme my dad has ever sent me, a tried and true boomerhumor staple
https://ift.tt/2XTcKOB
Last night I went to a Christian themed restaurant called āThe Lord Givethā.
They also do take away.
My Anesthesiologist said that if I didn’t want knockout gas he could hit me in the head with a paddle.
He wouldn't do both. It was ether/oar.
What do raspberries do when they play instruments?
They have jam sessions!
My 8yo son hit me with this one tonight before bed: “Why did the minnow cross the ocean?”
"To get to the other tide." I'm too young to be a grandfather!
I was thinking about the first time machine I ever built.
Ahhh, it takes me back.
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
Hi, Iām Robin
https://ift.tt/2BoeOlb
Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain?
Because of the indoor finsā¦
I only lasted a month at the calender factory.
They fired me after taking a day off
Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?
So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
[Warning: 18+]
19.
I can chop wood just by looking at it.
I saw it with my own eyes.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association
Someone toilet papered my house last night
Now itās worth $875,000
A man heard that masturbating before sex…
A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Someone just told me they were going to smack me with the neck of their guitar.
I said, āis that a fret?ā
I asked my son to take 9 from 8, to which he replied āminus oneā, I said…
āYours is one what?ā
A man is walking home late one foggy night…
when behind him he hears: BUMP!ā¦ BUMP!ā¦ BUMP!ā¦ Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP!ā¦ BUMP!ā¦ BUMP!ā¦ Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTERā¦ FASTERā¦ BUMPā¦ BUMPā¦ BUMPā¦ He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… Clappity-BUMPā¦ Clappity-BUMPā¦ Clappity-BUMPā¦ ā¦on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casketā¦ and… The coffin stops.
My pet spider died so I went to the pet shop for a new one. They were so expensive.
Fortunately, I got one free off the web.
State of the subreddit and the Hackathon, and going forward
So, the first thing I’d like to clear up is that the final Hackathon stream will finally be taking place this week and judging will conclude approximately a week later. Then we’ll hand out the prizes, announce the winners and get this whole thing done with. Extremely sorry for the long wait, but scheduling differences have made it very difficult to get everything fully coordinated. We’ll be running the next one sometime next year (likely in the summer), along with some big plans, so stay tuned. twitch.tv/programmerhumorNow, as for the subreddit: despite our new Rule #0 and strike system (although it has still been extremely beneficial), we’ve still been receiving much too many low effort and barely programming related posts. This is partially an issue of enforcement, and partially due to the subjectivity of r0. To remedy this, we’ve come up with two possible changes:All posts must go through moderator approval before being allowed on the subreddit.We will hold “Memeless Mondays”, in which all analogy memes which use non-OC templates will not be allowed. So this is good, this is not.Please note that we are not implementing these changes yet. We’d like to see your take on them first – what could we improve? What could we clarify? Could they work at all? Why or why not? We don’t want this subreddit wiped clean of posts, which 24/7 memeless would do, but I feel as if holding an experiment like this would definitely be a good idea. Tell us what you think. We’ll also be bringing back our repost bot soon, which will definitely bring at least a small improvement to content quality.However, our zeroth change will require a very significant new load on moderators. After the Hackathon concludes, we’ll be opening up applications again for several new mods (preferably as many as possible in the east). If you’d like to make ProgrammerHumor about actual ProgrammerHumor again, then’s your chance, so keep an eye out.Thanks for reading this and especially thanks if you give any feedback – this would be a huge shift for the subreddit so it’s not going to be taken lightly.
I think I suffer from Kleptomania
I should probably take something for it. Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger
So someone gave me a used glove and new one….
So I got one second hand and one first hand.
3 men arrive at the pearly gates and they see Peter. Peter says we donāt have much space in heaven so weāre taking in people who experienced the worst death
First guy go. āI was walking down the hall of my 27th floor apartment building and I suspected my wife was cheating on me. I rushed through the door shouting where is he!? I looked everywhere while my wife was trying to tell me no one is here. Then I found him. Hanging off the ledge my balcony. I started stomping his hands until he fell. He survived by landing in the bushes but I picked up our fridge and threw it down on top of him and it killed him. Due to all the excitement I had a heart attack and died.ā Peter was interested, second guy go. āI was doing pull-ups off the ledge of my 28th floor balcony when I slipped and by some miracle caught the balcony below me and hanged on. I was about to scream for help when a crazed man started stomping on my hands and I ended up falling into the bushes below. I once again survived only to find that now a fridge was about to land on me. It was too late to move so I died.ā Peter was shocked but wanted to hear the thirds story. Third guy go. āI was having sex with another mans wife when we heard he was almost home. He was getting closer to the door and his wife said āQuick hide in the fridge!ā