These rental car places are too expensive
Assistant to the President: Sir, there’s a crisis – somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar’s Up left in existence.
President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me. Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir … President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved! Assistant to the President: Sir … President: What is the bad news? What human being could be that stingy that they wouldn't give me this movie? Assistant to the President: His name is Rick, sir. President: Rick? Assistant to the President: Rick Astley, and He's Never Gonna Give You Up.
A man dies and goes to hell.
Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one. At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.
A Redditor walks into a bar
Just kidding, Redditors donāt socialize
I canāt see an end, I have no control and I donāt think thereās any escape ā I donāt even have a home anymore!
Definitely time for a new keyboard…
A mathematician came home and told his wife, āsorry honey, but Iām leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. Iāll be home in a few hours and Iād like for you to be gone.ā
He got back home and found a note that read,ā hi honey, Iāve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think youāll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.ā
A woman went to a dance and hit it off with a guy there.
They both liked what they saw and decided to go back to his place. One thing led to another, and soon they gravitated to the bedroom and proceeded to undress. The first thing he removed was his socks and shoes. She noted his feet were withered and crooked. When asked, he responded that when he was six, he contracted toe-lio. She looked at him confused. āYou mean polio?ā He shook his head and replied, āNoā¦toe-lio.ā He then took off his pants. His knees were knobby and gnarled. She asked him what was up with that. He told her, āWhen I was eight, I got the kneesles.ā āYou mean measles?ā āNoā¦kneesles.ā Then he removed his underwear. She sighedā¦ āLet me guess. When you were ten, you got small cocks?ā
Why did the dog say “meow”?
he was bilingual
I didn’t vaccinate my five kids
and both of them turned out fine.
Why does killing people in GTA make me happy?
Itās the only time Iām ever wanted
It’s absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler
Hitler volunteered for the army.
What’s the smartest mountain in the world?
Mt. Cleverest.
I was staying at a hotel.
Some people took the stairs to their rooms, and some took the elevator. Right then I realized everyone was raised differently
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
Man says to his boss, “Can we talk? I have a problem.”
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!" Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song
giving us time to change the song.
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water
Schwepped her off her feet
Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years
The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable
Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet’s waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other “What are you in for?”
"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?" "Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was cleaning the kitchen floor in her bathrobe, and while she was reaching for something under the fridge, her bathrobe fell off, and she looked and smelled so good that I mounted her then and there." "Oh," says the Doberman, "so you're in to be castrated as well?" "No," says the German Shepherd, "just to get my claws clipped."
I was not ready.
(Walmart, son, stranger interaction.) Son: hi, I got a haircut. Stranger: looks like you got more than just one. Son: (silence) Me: bent over losing it
Just got a job as the senior director of the old McDonald farm
Iām the CIEIO
I think I have bad posture
But it's just a hunch.
If youāre having a bad day, just punch an orphan.
Who are they going to tell? Their parents?
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked
I was addicted to soap
but now I'm clean.
What did the melon say when his girl asked him to run away and get married?
I love you honeydew, but I cantaloupe.
What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?
āThank you for your serviceā
As I was racking up to shoot some pool with my son, he said, āDo you wanna break?ā
I said, āWe just got here. How lazy are you?ā
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything
Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, “Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”
Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly, Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very red-faced. Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Dr. Parker. "And now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
What’s brown and not very heavy ?
Light brown
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"