These Republican Turncoats Must Be Stopped!
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It’s literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I’m sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill? Dead ant… dead ant… dead ant dead ant dead ant… dead ant dead ant….
An art thief broke into the Louvre.
Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings. He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building. Without a moment's hesitation, he kicked the van into high gear and sped away. However, his van ran out of gas less than 5 minutes later, and he was caught and arrested by the police. "I don't understand", Said the police officer. "How could you plan all that so carefully, yet forget to fill up your gas tank?" To which the thief replied: "But monsieur! Zat is exactly why I stole ze paintings! I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make ze Van Gogh!"
A new Navy recruit has just been assigned to his first submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
Me: “I’m going to clone myself”
Dad: "that would be just like you".
I turned to my son and asked him to name two pronouns.
He looked bewildered and replied, "Who, me?"
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "turd-world countries".
Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.
If Sarah Sanders thinks it is safe to be out in public, perhaps she could lead by example
https://ift.tt/3ayAl9K
Where did covid 19 take his son?
The Plagueground
I was addicted to the hokey pokey
But I turned myself around
I recently poured concrete for the foundation of a house.
The plot thickens.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp and my parrot
I donβt know how you sleep at night
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave
Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.
A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer, "I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical cows in a vacuum".
Two dwarfs Grumpy and Happy went to Vatican and meet the pope.
Grumpy, seems a little worried and he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall." "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?" "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" "No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall or two and a half feet tall?" "I'm sure." "Okay." Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" asks Happy. Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any." And the Happy starts shouting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"….
When I was a boy, my father told me never to ask a lady her age.
But the judge didn't see it that way.
What does 6.9 mean?
Just another good thing ruined by period.
I used to hate facial hair.
Then it grew on me.
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 12579 matches
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired. Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.
A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom…
The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing" The brother nods in agreement. "When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old. The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast. "I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!" The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair. The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!"
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?" Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
I find bone puns very
Humerus
I have peaked Dad Jokeness
[Just some context] Like my father, I sneeze loudly. I sneeze so loudly in fact, while walking my dog this morning, my wife heard me sneeze from 200m away, in our apartment. When I got home my wife greeted me, "Hello, Sneezer." I replied, devastated, "Et tu Brute?"
The word nun…
…is just the letter n doing a forward roll.
It’s amazing how Seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid December and I’m freezing…
But apparently back in the England it's the end of May.
I like to call my weed “the Quran”
Because burning it will get you stoned.
I went to the doctors recently He said: βDonβt eat anything fattyβ I said: βWhat, like bacon and burgers?β
He said, βNo. Fatty, donβt eat anything
A Cockroach and a Cricket were talking
Cockroach: Jiminy, you look so tired. What's wrong? Cricket: Well, Damian, my Firefly neighbor has kept me up every night for the past week with her loud music, and I have talked to the landlord multiple times, and he still won't do anything about it. Cockroach: Gosh, Jiminy, that must really bug you.
My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad she said she was never going to play Scrabble with me again!