These Skyrim memes are getting overused
Edit: Wow! I didn't know this would blow up!
But, but, but her emails..
This post was made by low iron gang
Your uncle David just lost his ID
Now you can call him uncle Dav.
How do locomotives know where they’re going?
Lots of training
A man gets shipwrecked on a small island.
After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftain. The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests. If he passes all three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief. "Fair enough," says the man. "Just let me know what the tests are and I'll get right on them." The priest takes him to a clearing with three straw huts in it, turns to the man and explains the tests. "In the first hut, you'll find 20 gallons of our native beer. You must drink all of this to complete this test. In the second hut is a gorilla with a sore tooth. You must pull his tooth and survive to pass this test. In the third hut is the ex-chieftain's daughter. You must make love to her until she can take no more." The man agrees to the tests and begins the first test. Three hours later, he walks out of the hut and goes toward the second hut. The priest asks if he would like to have a rest, but the man says he wants to get all the tests done before he sleeps. He goes into the second hut. After two hours he comes out covered from head to toe in blood and scratches. He turns to the priest and says "Now lead me to the girl with the sore tooth."
Thanks i hate the six different quarks
Meanwhile in Finland
Wife bad, Valentines Day Bad
Spacing is important guys!
Everybody at our wedding cried
Even the cake was in tiers
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
Saw this and thought it belonged here.
It’s ok if someone says his name, he’s not Lord Voldemort
He Hate Elevator Boomers
Milk is the fastest liquid on earth
It's pasteurized before you even see it!
A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again." "Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!" "Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then." "What for?" I asked. He said, "The drugs." I said, "What drugs?"
R.I.P Boiling water,
You will be mist.
“I can’t ever see you again. I won’t let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK.”
Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up.
I don’t :( I am just good with frontend technologies
“Must Rescue The President” movies… changed for me.
Funny wife = bad policeman epic man winner
Why was the Nickelodeon character Avatar Aang so controversial?
He was trans-bender
My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley
I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”
Boomer humour in a nutshell
No one is afraid of llama kisses, so why is everyone so worried about…
…the alpaca lips?
I was driving with my wife and suddenly Pearl Jam started playing on the radio.
I told her, “It doesn’t get Eddie Vedder than this.”
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
[NSFW] Squeeze and Tug
A husband and wife were lying in bed trying to decide how to tell when the other one wanted to do the deed. The wife turned to the husband and said, “If I’m in the mood to get frisky, I’ll put your hand on my boob. If you too are in the mood, squeeze once for yes. If not, squeeze twice for no.” The husband said, “And if I’m interested, I’ll put your hand on my penis. All you have to do is tug once for yes, and tug 537 times for no.”
Hardwork didn’t pay off…
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
Sums up my life
Normal Sick Patients vs COVID-19 Patients
Refactoring your code with Intellisense
It’s all starting to make sense.
What kind of fire leaves a room damp?
They are both 13!
When you die, which part of the body is the last one to stop working?
The pupils. They dilate
Healthcare in America (2020, colorized)
Bromine goes Br
Not exactly discovered around 450 BC but whatever
From girlfriends step dad
Gets the job done
Who wants to watch Contagion!
The day the jokes died…
How are professional Jenga players different from basketball players?
They tower under everyone else.
I went to the store to get eight cans of sprite…
When I got home, I realised I’d only picked seven up.
Two female parrots
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." “What do they say?" the priest inquired. “They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. “That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time." “Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!" Edit: wow guys, first post above 1.0k 🙂 glad you all liked it!
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]
His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute." All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another. The prosecution says: "she didn't walk in." "But the fact that you were all staring at the door expectantly proves that there is reasonable doubt." The jury discusses. The defendant is found guilty. "How can you send a man to prison on such flimsy evidence?" The lawyer says. One juror says: "In the three minutes that passed, I looked through the courtroom, and I saw that the defendant was the only person who didn't look at the door even once."
What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer?
A father in law
Schrodinger’s equation killed my vibes
A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi walk into a bar
The bartender asks "Is this a joke?"
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
What do you call a super soaker that shoots blood?
A plasma gun
She doesn’t look nervous
Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town
and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots….. I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a police check point on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This came as a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before, I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
Can We Have a Quick Meeting About Next Week’s Meeting?
When you get roasted by the nerd