These two dinosaurs were walking one day and they came across another dinosaur they had never seen before, eating plants. One says “Who is that?!” and the other replies…
"I dunno. I've never seen herbivore!"
“To be and not to be”
—Schrödinger's Hamlet
I watched my first porn movie today…
…jeeze I was young back then.
If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,
just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.
“Did you just stand there watching me fall and drop all the laundry?”
"Yes, I watched it all unfold"
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Rise Up genZ, Millennials and genX!¡! Boomers+ are trying to drown us out!¡!
Rise Up genZ, Millennials and genX!¡! Boomers+ are trying to drown us out!¡!
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler’s outbursts a “temper tantrum.”
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
I was sacked from the ice cream factory today
Just because I refused to work on a Sundae!
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
I saw a red pimple and a green pimple holding hands.
I guess oppozits attract
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
I sell balloons for $1 each, or if you want them blown up it’s $1.20.
I’ve adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
My landlord wanted to talk to me about how high my heating bills are.
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
Did you know? The wheel was invented in 3,500 BC.
It caused quite the revolution back then.
Me running my code again without changing anything expecting it to suddenly compile
https://ift.tt/3bpzR73
During her time in the US, the Queen of England was given a tour of a hospital
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my Goodness!" screamed the Queen. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the Queen. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, she screamed, "Goodness Gracious! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same condition, better health plan."
Tried calling the tinnitus helpline…
But it just kept ringing.
Wife: “I made our daughter a waffle this morning.”
Me: "Well thanks for changing her back."
How do crazy people get through the woods?
They take the psycho path.
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up early?
To beat the crowd.
I was telling my friend there’s only one thing I get really scared of at Halloween.
"Which is?" he asked. "Exactly."
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are so good at it.
[NSFW] Why did the eunuch’s wife leave him?
Honestly, he couldn't give a fuck.
I wanna give a shout out to my fingers…
…I can always count on them!
Dad: What are you drinking?
Son: Soy Milk. Dad: Hola Milk, Soy Dad
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
As I sail away from the island of lollipops…
…never to return, tears well in my eyes as I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. "So long, suckers," I whisper through trembling lips.
How does Harry Potter get down a hill?
Walking JK, Rolling