They admit it is a deadly weapon.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
A guy named Danny walks into a bar…
A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.” A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been with many men who’ve told me terrible things, try me.” So Danny tells her and she slaps him across the face so hard his cheek turns beet red. The bartender saw the whole thing and asks Danny what happened, and Danny said, “I told her what I needed to forget.” Naturally, the bartender asks what it is he needs to forget. “I’ll tell you, but, trust me, you’ll get pissed.” “Boy, I’ve been bartending for 25 years, heard about regrets, death, war stories, ain’t nothin gonna faze me.” So Danny tells the bartender, and the bartender flips his shit and screams at Danny to get outta the bar. Outside, Danny hails a cab to get home. Once inside, the Cabbie says, “Jeez you look terrible, what happened?” “I told people what I’m trying to forget.” “Well, what’d you tell em?” “You’ll get mad if I tell ya.” “Sir, if I’m honest, I was a veteran, I’ve had my own brothers die in my arms, tell me what you have.” “Alright but you gotta take me home first so you don’t throw me out of the cab.” Intrigued, the cabbie takes Danny home first. The Cabbie pulled up to Danny’s home, turns around, and says “Alright, spill the beans, I’m dyin to hear this.” “Fine, fine, but I gotta ask you something first: When’s the last time you lost The Game?”
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
3.14% of sailors are Pi rates
No text found
Yo mama so fat
Before she was buried the earth was flat
Orion’s belt is a big waist of space.
Ok, it's not that funny, only a 3 star joke
I’m addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
It's really hard to quit cold turkey
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high….
She looked surprised…
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died! Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.. Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..
What Fish work in hospitals?
Sturgeons.
What’s worse than an unanswered question?
No text found
I was going to make myself an omelet this morning.
But then, I realized I would miss being a person so I didn't.
Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Why does the Norway Navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back they can Scandinavian.
Someone just complimented my wife and told her that she and our daughter looked like twins.
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."
I met a guy from Australia who works in IT.
I said, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper
I was at the museum recently and asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures. He replied…
"No, they have to stay on the walls."
As I lay in bed, looking up at the many thousands of stars in the night sky, I think to myself…
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?
“Knock Knock”
Who's there? "Yah" Yah who? ".com"
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
If A is for apple, and B is for banana, then what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
Balls..
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Be Careful Standing On One Leg At The ATM!!!!
Worst way to check your balance. crickets
I always get confused between bowling and baseball…
But, to be fair, they have striking similarities
John F Kennedy was just “John Kennedy” From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963
They only added the F after he died
First joke I’ve ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed
I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 2020"
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
i was going to say a joke about a blunt spear
but i don't see the point
Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick…
How low can you go?
What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu?
Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said,
"Son, you know that one would have been enough."