They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?
I’m a cashew
The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.”
Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.” Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”
To the guy who stole my antidepressants…
I hope you're happy!
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk…
His wife was up waiting for him… "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
I’d tell a Jonestown joke, but
the punchline is too long
How much do dumplings weigh?
Wonton
My mom sent me this. Ultimate piece of boomer humor, complete with laugh track:
https://ift.tt/38SsqEU
I used to have three children, until an accident happened.
I now have four.
My parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it.
Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. “T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL”
I said, can't turn that down.
A woman in the shower hears the doorbell. “It’s the blind man”. So she answers the door naked…
"Nice bewbs! Now where do you want me to hang the blind?"
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway and asks, “Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?”
On which the miner replies, "mine".
Asian girls don’t poop…
…they take dumplings.
Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions?
Our helpline is open 24/7!
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Someone just told me they were going to smack me with the neck of their guitar.
I said, “is that a fret?”
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.
Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window. When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived. “You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentrate really hard as you fall, you temporarily float just before you hit the ground.” The man was so amazed that he too chugged a pint even faster than the other man, then jumped out of the window. He fell and fell and fell… and then landed on the ground with a splat. He died instantly. The bartender then turned to the man in the bar and said, “You’re such a dick when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master’s degree…
My son told me he had a hole in his shoe today
I said yes son, that's where you put your foot in
Parents are supposed to wrap empty boxes to put under the tree. Then when the children are naughty, throw one in the fire.
But what if they run out of children?
4, 6 and 8 and 9 have all been murdered…
2, 3, 5, and 7 are the prime suspects.
Me, being forced to use Word again after three years of writing assignments in LaTeX
https://ift.tt/34m76nI
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn’t help but think to myself…
“He’s giving me a good run for my money.”
Yesterday I purchased a world map…gave my wife a dart and said to her “throw this and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday”.
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night
When the wife said to me, “You spoil those dogs.”
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Pun enters a room and kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
What’s brown and not very heavy ?
Light brown
I found out my toaster isn’t waterproof
I was shocked
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He's now a seasoned veteran.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Top tier dad joke
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true? Dad: To be honest, i never knew she sold flowers.
Did you know the flag of Japan is actually a pie chart?
Of how much of Japan is Japan.
My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke
A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind! He walks into the first pub he sees and is greeted by the bartender. The bartender says, "Hey there, what can I do you for?" The Swede, eager to take his English for a spin in this new country, orders his favorite drink: "I'll take a yin, please!" The bartender grows visibly upset. "Yin? Yin?! What the hell is that? You're another one o' them lousy immigrants coming through that don't know no good English. Get outta here and don't come back till you can order a drink proper!" The Swede leaves, feeling distraught, and instead finds work and lodging, putting the drink aside for now. Every night when he returns home from work, he practices his English in the mirror. "Yin. Yin. Yyy…inn. Jyinn. Jjjiiinn. Gyiin. Giin. Gin. Gin! Gin! GIN!" After weeks of practice, he's ready. The Swede goes back to that same bar he entered when he first arrived in America. The bar tender recognizes him immediately. "Hey, it's you again!" he yells. "I thought I told you to–" But the Swede raises a hand and calmly interrupts. "Yes, I know. I would like to order a gin, please." The bar tender is speechless! A smile grows on his face, and he says, "well, would you look at that? You've learned quite a bit! Alright, I'll get you that gin, sure thing. What would you like it with?" The Swede answers, "yinyerale!"
