They can’t really be this stupid!
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1 Anna 2
Man walks into a bar with a boot on his head
The Canadian bartender says, "what's that about?" Man says, "yes."
My sister just lost her tongue in a bad accident.
I wanted to make a joke out of it, but I think it would be very tasteless.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes” I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
I’ve been asked out by 20 women today…
I was in the ladies bathroom.
Let me summarize 2018 in four words for you:
Two thousand and eighteen.
My father’s name is Lee. My name is Riley.
As a kid, if I ever said the word “apparently”, he would interrupt to shout “A Son Riley!”
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
Why are there two “d”s in reddit?
The second ones is a repost like this joke
Before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Velcro is such a rip-off
No text found
I just ended a 5 year relationship
It’s ok though. Wasn’t my relationship.
When William joined the army,
He disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
My body is nicely defined.
If you look up the word "flabby".
A Scottish man walks into a bar..
.. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.
I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels
Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.
Boss wants to have sex with his secretary
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, and pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?" She responds, "I'm still picking and he's still fucking! The bastard used COINS!"
A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
Including my name, address and phone number.
Don’t take life too seriously.
You’ll never get out of it alive anyways.
I tried to trade a deer for fireworks
I want the best bang for my buck
Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?
Man: Good news first please, doc! Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you
The amount of bad coronavirus jokes is starting to reach worrying numbers.
Some scientists claim it might become a pundemic.
Ralph came home drunk one night
slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph. . ’ Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ’ Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. . The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’ ’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’ ’You’re ovulating, ’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’ ’Never, ’ said Ralph. ’Well, just relax and let it happen, ’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal. ’ Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell. . . . . "Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You've shit the bed"
“Dad, whose music did you listen to when growing up?”
Dad: Led Zeppelin. Son: Who? Dad: Yes. They were good too.
What is a pirate’s favorite type of music?
You would think it'd be ARR and B, but it turns out he's very into hip hop.
You should never run with scissors…
And conversely, you should never scissor with the runs.
TIL: If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.
Because it is capsized.
When does a new joke become an “old” joke?
After you’ve reddit.
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don’t know what he laced them with but I was trippin’ all day
My Math teacher told me 0! = 1
But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1
