They changed Bilbo Baggins’ name when he stopped getting stinky armpits.
Bil Baggins
A drunk German is urinating on a bush
An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!" The German says, "Danke!"
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the heck out of their dogs!
I find bone puns very
Humerus
Why don’t Ant Eaters get sick?
Because they're full of anty bodies.
If I had $5 for every woman that found me unattractive
Pretty soon they'd all find me attractive
I thought I had discovered a new color…
… but it turned out to be a pigment of my imagination.
My son asks me, “What does gay mean?”
Me: "It means 'happy," Son: "Oh, so are you gay, then?" Me: "No, son, I have a wife."
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar all walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
I just bought a pirate GPS…
It tells you exactly where you arrrr!!!
Why didn’t Obi-Wan forgive Darth Maul for killing his master?
He wasn't willing to let Qui-Gons be bygones.
Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.
It’s usually the other way around.
The Australians once killed a bunch of rabbits and proved this. Evolution be sick sometimes.
https://ift.tt/3bpzxoQ
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, “My hands are freezing cold!” The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.”
The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
Are my testicles black
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are – my – test – results – back?"
Whenever I’m at the therapist’s waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.
Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
I was embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Sausage jokes. They’re the wurst, aren’t they?
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I got gas today and it only cost $1.39!
Unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.
My girlfriend is turning 32 soon…
I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday." For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buck-an-ear
Why are there no cases of COVID-19 in Antarctica?
Because they're ice-o-lated
Police have arrested the world tongue twister champion…
…they say he will be given a tough sentence
I was born at a very young age.
No text found
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 8,008 trees…
…and I've got the logs to prove it!
The doc came in and let me know he was here to deliver our baby
I told him that we would prefer if the baby kept its liver.
God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome God: creates birds
I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night.
The performance was a little wooden.
Create new password: Tomato
Confirm new password: Tomato Passwords don't match.
High grades
The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car…"
Ever tried blind archery?
You don't know what you are missing.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her. I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.