They changed Bilbo Baggins’ name when he stopped getting stinky armpits.
An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!" The German says, "Danke!"
It scares the heck out of their dogs!
Because they're full of anty bodies.
Pretty soon they'd all find me attractive
… but it turned out to be a pigment of my imagination.
Me: "It means 'happy," Son: "Oh, so are you gay, then?" Me: "No, son, I have a wife."
He came, he saw, he conquered.
It tells you exactly where you arrrr!!!
He wasn't willing to let Qui-Gons be bygones.
It’s usually the other way around.
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, “My hands are freezing cold!” The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.”
The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are – my – test – results – back?"
Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.
She's such a Thyme waster
I was embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
No text found
Unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.
I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday." For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.
Because they're ice-o-lated
…they say he will be given a tough sentence
No text found
…and I've got the logs to prove it!
I told him that we would prefer if the baby kept its liver.
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome God: creates birds
The performance was a little wooden.
Confirm new password: Tomato Passwords don't match.
The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car…"
You don't know what you are missing.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her. I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.