They did surgery on a grape
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…" "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what the fuck would you say?"
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
Why did the electrician support LGBTQ people a lot?
Because he had a lot of trans sisters
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
You put a nipple on it
Never get in a fight with a T-rex.
You'll get jurasskicked..
Her: I think we need to break up. Iโm sick of your addiction to Burger King.
Me: Fine. Have it your way.
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. There was dead silenceโฆ the rest of the year went quite smoothly.
Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.
He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.
I love raising caterpillars as pets.
It always gives me butterflies.
What do the testicles of a priest look like?
Silly question, every child knows that.
I just called the tinnitus hotline…
It wouldn't stop ringing!
I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
I couldnโt differentiate between them.
Why did Robin Hood pull out of the archery competition?
He found it an arrowing experience
(: ยกยกสษฅฦแดN pooืค
Love, Australia.
My son is a man trapped in a womanโs body..
Heโll be born in March.
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she’s sleeping ..
…and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
My son said he wanted to become a pyromancer.
I told him it's much easier to woo a cake.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I’d choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by floating it in water?
If it floats it's boy ant
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it’s going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Impeccable timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.โ Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now weโre going nuts in quarantine.
We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.
Why China is arresting people for spreading misinformation?
Because spreading misinformation is government's job.
How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One. It's a trick question.
Held the door open for a clown the other day
Thought it was a nice jester
Iโm afraid of confusing words that sound the same but spelled differently.
Iโm homophonophobic.
There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."
If i had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
Where does the know-it-all get their water?
From the well, actually.
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh
Nothing, it's on the house Edit: found out I accidentally reposted. Sorry people but happy holidays
I’m happy for Nintendo’s success.
It's like a switch went off in their head a few years ago…
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."
Whatโs orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot ๐ฅ
Parent Teacher conference
A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you." The father asks, "What happened?" "Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'" "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet," the dad replies. The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go by the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?" "They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked. "That's what I said" the boy replies.