They don’t do the reverse cowgirl in Alabama.
You never turn your back on family.
The pool on the titanic is still full…
Let that sink in
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night
Not Happy
I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It's my new year's resolution.
4 20
20, 20, 20, and 20.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I’m charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
r/coronavirus is officially the fastest-growing community on Reddit
It must be viral.
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
Dad, I know how to stay awake for 8 days!
It's easy, I just sleep during the nights. *(disclaimer — this dadjoke was delivered deadpan by my daughter. She is truly becoming a master)
My wife said we should hire a maid. “The job will get done a lot more often, and they’ll do a way better job!”
Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.
The wishes conundrum…
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, and women will flock to him". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM!!! she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM!!! she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down… The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.
My wife left me because I’m too insecure…
No wait, she's back She just went make a cup of coffee..
I met Mick and Keith backstage. I was rude but efficient.
I flipped two stones with one bird.
How do you get a fat chick into bed?
Piece of cake.
I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,
"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?" She said, "Do you like sex?" I said, "Of course I like sex." She said, "Do you like to travel?" I said, "Yeah, I love to travel." She said, "Then fuck off."
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her that I am looking for matches.
The guy who invented auto-correct passed away today.
Restaurant in peace
First thing men look into a women is her heart
That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.
A chicken pie in jamaica costs £2.00 A chicken pie in trinidad costs £2.15 A chicken pie in st kitts costs. £2.30
These are the pie-rates of the carribean
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent!
If I had a DeLorean…
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”.
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
How do trees 🎄 access internet?
They log in
Why did the cannibal love Abraham Lincoln?
Because of the greatest speech ever written, "Four score and seven ears ago…"
Bad knock-knock joke #3
Knock knock. Who’s there? Etch. Etch who? I'm sorry, did you sneeze? Bless you.
I’ve run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead
The times are rough
A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that…
…he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets. "Was I smiling?" Trump asked. "I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."
I wrote a novel about a man who grows younger every time he masturbates.
It's a coming of age story.
Do you know what I said to the person who was chasing me?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
A guy is talking to a girl
A guy is talking to a girl : "Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place" "Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?" "No, I'm a dentist."
People say that dad jokes aren’t very clever.
But then I look back on the post that I have saved from a year ago that says otherwise.
A guy bursts into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.
The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
I threw a boomerang a few years ago..
I now live in constant fear.
Two conspiracy theorists arrive in heaven
God says to them, “I will tell you anything you want to know” One of the conspiracy theorists asks, “who shot JFK?” God responds, “it was Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone” The conspiracy theorists turn to each other, “this is bigger than we thought”