They don't do the reverse cowgirl in Alabama.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

My obese parrot died..

It was sad, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders..

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high.

She looked surprised.

[Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?

She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.

Some parts of a cow I really like.

It’s 3 in the morning and this is what was keeping me up.

Just got an app that tells me which one of my relatives are racist

It's called Facebook

yO I gOt TO gET tHRoUgh tHiS wEEk

The other day, my friend told me I was delusional.

I nearly fell off of my unicorn.

MY SO left me because I’m too insecure

Oh wait nvm, she's back. Just went to go to the bathroom.

I am deeply disturbed by this one

https://ift.tt/34NDH7Q

Doctor: Did you know that you have a severe inability to vocalize your emotions?

Me: “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

What’s the main use of leather in the world?

Holding cows together

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me.

With just the tip.

I heard a rumor about butter. . .

But I don't want to spread it.

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant….

But then I changed my mind!

I don’t care what anyone thinks, I’m half Native American and I should be recognized as such.

So Sioux me.

Went on a date to an ice skating rink.

So I fell over and grabbed my knee pretending that I was in pain, trying to get the sympathy of my date. Instead she just stood there, cringing. As did everyone else in the reception area…

People think that being a taxi driver with dyslexia is difficult.

It's as easy as C, A, B.

Found this lying in my gallery, thought I should share

https://ift.tt/39RmzQF

Why was the locomotive outstanding in his field?

He trained.

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded affirmatively…

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more. "So…" the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again. "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

Making a meme out of a constant global tragedy

His son has signed up for trouble..

Oh my

Coffin Dance in Hacettepe Hospital in Turkey

https://ift.tt/2KzmIwH

What do you call a careful wolf ?

Aware wolf.

I told my boss I need a pay rise and that 3 other companies were after me…

He said 'which ones?' I said ' Gas, electric and water'

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,

we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"? He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says, “Pierre, kiss me!”

So, Pierre grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie`s lips. “What are you doing, Pierre?” shrieks Marie. “Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!” His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.” Pierre rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her tits. “Pierre, what are you doing?” “My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!” They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, “Pierre, kiss me lower.” Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her bush. He grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, “PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?” “My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!”