They had a dream…
I married my wife for her looks,
but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George’s hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.
An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said. "What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room. Inside the room were two chairs. "Now sit down in these chairs," she said. "What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says we should sit down in these chairs," replied George. So George and Ted sat down in the chairs. The photographer pulled out her camera and pointed it at the birthday brothers. "Now let me focus," she said. "What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to focus," replied George. "Wow!" exclaimed Ted. "Both of us at the same time?"
What’s the definition of a will?
Come on guys, it's a dead giveaway.
My girlfriend is so smart
Once I forgot to bring my phone when I went out for the day. I borrowed my friend's phone to call her. She answered "What's up baby?" She is so smart she knew I was the one calling her. Edit: it's my cake day!
My laziness is like the number 8.
Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.
The teacher asked, “Name three famous Poles!”
Tommy proudly answered, "North, South and Tad!"
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve replied, “I wish I was rich!” The genie nodded and said, “What’s your second wish?”
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
I’ve been diagnosed with a terrible disease that makes me tell an abundance of airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal
Despite what you think, earthquakes aren’t perfect
They all have their faults.
I was going to share a joke about sodium on here…
…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
A teacher told the students, “The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early.”
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early." Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face. "Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily. "Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"
What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok…
What did one Italian say to another when fighting?
‘You wanna pizza me?’
Bricks are the happiest construction materials.
They're always getting laid.
I wanted to post a joke about sodium
But then I was like Na, people wont understand.
My friend begged me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
So this happened today at Game 5 of the World Series that Trump is attending tonight…
https://ift.tt/2q0r1u4
What did the little mermaid wear to math class
An algae- bra
I denounce that barbers religion
It's hairesy
How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?
He had a bright idea
People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing
And it’s discussing fucking.
TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.
It just ain't right turning your back on family.
