They had us in the first half, not gonna lie
Water, to cool him down.
Boob: I give milk to newborn babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. . . . . . . . . . Now it's your turn.
Normally i don’t go because I’m poor
They were real people… I just imagined they were my friends.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
“I’ve done it! I’ve accomplished whirled peas!”
All I wanted was one nightstand.
No text found
Cop: It was a moving violation.
They prefer cooked men
A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
They’re hill areas
It was the best dam show I have ever seen.
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
Because they have their own scales.
Blunt force trauma
It's got a lot to do today
They lost my case.
An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.
Leaving millions of workers nothing to do except their jobs
You have no more energy left to live, you just need try to fuel yourself.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all of his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so, he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?' 'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.' 'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked. 'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient, and started having sexual-intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?' 'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes, which is why I came to see you in the first place.'
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing. So one night the elder makes a plan, "this morning at breakfast, I'll say damn and you say fuck" the younger agrees and they go to bed eager for the next morning. Breakfast time comes and their mother ask what they'd like to eat. The older brother says "I'd like some damn cheerios!" The mother slaps him so hard he's knocked out of his seat. She turns to the younger and says "well what about you?" He says "well I'm sure as fuck not asking for cheerios."
It had too many leeks.
The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.
He didn't listen though.
I haven't heard from him since.
He still has the right to remain silent.
I told her “no it doesn’t”
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s a different order of magnitude.”
Yes, we arson.
They both got 6 months. P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nive
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are standing, watching a street performer do some juggling.
The performer notices they have a rather poor view, so stands on a large box, asking 'Can you see me better now?' They reply: 'Yes' 'Oui' 'Si' 'Ja'