They love this kind of comic
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic." "Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest "No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent." "That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven." "Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?" "Of course, my son." "Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
Ive never worked so hard before in my life.
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
it looks fishy
On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her." The boss says, "You screw your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
But now I'm clean
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
You make them VERY ANGRY.
I'm an only child 🙁
When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are to be killed and skinned, and that their skins will be made into canoes to float on the pool as a permanent reminder, but in one last act of mercy, he will grant them one last request, so the Frenchman pipes up, "I would like a knife, Si vous plait", so he is brought a knife and he plunges it into his chest, "you savages will never kill me! Vive la France!" and he dies. The Englishman is asked what he wants and also requests a knife, and also plunges it into his chest, "you will never kill me! God save the Queen!". The natives then turn to the Australian, and surprisingly he requests a fork, they oblige and hand him on, and he starts stabbing himself all over, the natives are looking in surprise and he looks at them and says, "well there goes your fuckin' canoe"
"My son told me he is transgender." "So?" "That makes me transparent."
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…when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest petrol diner?” The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.” The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists. Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily. The first American asked his partner: ” Maybe we should learn a second language.” His partner shrugged and replied:” Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn’t help him.”
He became trans-parent.
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
The Salivation Army
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man whispers, "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No, thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside." Man – "OK, how much?" Boy – "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together. Boy – "It's dark in here." Man – "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball glove." Man – Remembering last time, asks, "How much?" Boy – "$750." Man – "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"
Because it cantaloupe.
Little Bobby came home from school and proudly announced to his Mom, " I had sex with a teacher today." Mom's infuriated. "Boy, get your ass up to your bedroom. Your father can take care of this when he gets home." When Dad arrives, Mom explains the situation, and Dad, feigning anger, rushes upstairs slamming doors. Charging into his son's room, he exclaims loudly, "Boy, what the hell have you been up to?!?" Then in a whisper, "Hell yeah, son. High five. Got any questions for the old man?" To which, little Bobby replied, " Yeah, Dad. How much longer is my butt gonna hurt?"
1st Woman: Hi, Wanda! 2nd Woman: Hi Sylvia! How’d you die? 1st Woman: I froze to death! 2nd Woman: How horrible! 1st Woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I can home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching tv. 1st Woman: So, what happened? 2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st Woman: Too bad you didn’t check in the freezer…..we’d both still be alive! My father everyone! 😁
Best dam thing I’ve watched in a while.
I’m clean now.
The second time let me down
Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor. The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
I have no shelf control.
I should be sad, but I'm knot.
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
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I bought a safe for my home