They made me add a title
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, their goalkeeper invited both of us to a party to celebrate.
It was the father, son, and the goalie host.
What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies.
What do you mean June is over?
Julying…
My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison…
He's never going to finish his sentence.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
We’ll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
Cardi B has a sister who’s a fitness instructor…
Her name is Cardi O!
What do u call a tower of pizza boxes?
The leaning tower of pisa
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates
They will kill your dog
Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving
He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name. “What kind of name is Ving? It’s so stupid,” he said, frustrated. “You know, you can get your name changed at city hall.” “Really? It’s that easy?” “Yeah you just have to fill out some paperwork.” I paused. “I can drive you if you want.” “Thanks dude. What would I even change my name to though?” “How about something common that holds on to your roots? Something like Lee.” “Lee. I like it.” Unfortunately, Ling had overheard our talk and launched into a tirade about how his name had been in the family for generations and he couldn’t just throw away his heritage like that. Ving was set though. The next day, we drove to city hall. Ling insisted on coming along, hoping to convince Ving to change his mind. She complained the entire way. Ving wasn’t deterred though. We finally got to city hall and got the paperwork. As he was filling it out, Ving’s face changed. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “You’ve been excited all day and yesterday for this.” “I know, I know. It’s just— it’s my dad’s name too. I don’t know.” Ving sighed. “I don’t think I can go through with it.” Ling looked relieved. The receptionist noted that there was a small cancellation fee. Ling happily took out some money. Suddenly, an Asian man in Ray-Bans, neon shorts, and an American flag T-shirt bursted through the doors. “Dad!” Ving, tears streaming down his face, ran to embrace his father. Ving Sr. smiled at his son. “Don’t stop. Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee Ling.”
THIS is what I saw when I turned on my computer today… What year is it again?
https://ift.tt/2qaiYuH
I left the general store empty handed
I was looking for something specific
A girl walks into a gun store and falls onto a weapon rack.
The gunstore owner says: She just fell into my arms
Wikipedia says there are only 2 atms in Antarctica.
But you shouldn't use them unless you want your assets frozen.
My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables… NSFW
No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to. I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says "Take it with me." I say "fuck it. I need a shower too". We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my dick. "Daddy, why is your pee pee so big?" And it hits me "Because I eat my vegetables." He's full on vegan now.
I just ate 2000 pounds of Chinese soup
It was Won Ton
Why did Thor lose his power to use lighting?
His father grounded him
How does Trump differ from terrorist organisations?
Terrorist organisations take responsibility for their actions.
I keep asking what does LGBT mean
I can’t even get a straight answer
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
I was up all night wondering where the sun went,
but then it dawned on me.
I never understood school shooting jokes
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience….
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of this year.
Why are older men so good at dad jokes?
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
How do you check if a sniper loves you?
He misses you.
I asked a young pretty homeless woman if I could take her home?
She smiled and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.